Archive for April, 2010

Oh man, you are the best, You are SO awesome.
I would totally have casual sex with you again, anytime. I just need to figure out how to tell you in a way that isn’t weird, so that it can actually happen and be fun. I really hope you come home from X soon so that you don’t fall in love and stay there forever. I mean, I would be happy for you to fall in love, but I just want you to end up somewhere near me so we can hang out, and so we can have casual sex on occasion. Or whatever, I mean, I would probably marry you too, if that ever became an issue.

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Hey X,

I wanted to apologize about last night. Theres obviously been quite a bit of flirting between us so you might have been a bit puzzled by what the fuck I was doing with that lady outside. And/or that might unfortunately just have reinforced the clich about bartenders/bar owners/musicians or whatever really that were just a bunch of manwhores.

Im not gonna get into intricate details about my inner life or justify myself in any way, but, and to put it bluntly and clearly, I like you. Truth is Ive also recently got out of a somehow damaging long term relationship, things being not very settled and clear yet. So I do what stupid guys do, I go for easy, uncommitting, not too deeply connecting type of interactions. And somehow stay away from richer ones.

Believe it or not, its also the first time such a thing happened when Im working behind the bar, and it happened to be when you were also there. I was happy to have you there for the evening and me bailing outside at that moment only feels the more inappropriate now, so again, I apologize for that. Shit, I dont really know what more to say. Well be in touch soon, and well make this event a brilliant event in any case.

Im really glad I met you and Im sorry if I passed as an inconsiderate jerk in any way.

Take care,

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i can’t believe you still get in me like that. my head writhing for sleep, searching the papers for your name. searching our friends faces in dreams for a glimpse of where you may be, who you might be now. you felt me 3000 miles away and called because you entered your parents basement at a late hour, when my paintings come alive. you felt their colors swirling around you— they always holding my art like a tender jewel in the hands of the past. i’m glad you are in the house of your youth, and i’m sorry i can’t be there with you. soak it in…let it roar…shine on like the kid with the fro who always went after the art, the beauty, the passion.

know that i’m wrapping my arms around you…in dreams, in the past, in our distant future.

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You were such a big part of my life starting senior year of high school. I don’t know where to put you. I don’t remember why, but we started iming everyday freshman year of college and that didn’t stop for four years. I feel like I had an emotional affair with you. We made out after the balloon festival the summer I came home in your bed when we watched ‘bullit’. I kissed you later when I was with #6. He didn’t care but I did. I had a love hate relationship with you. You were always derailing my life. I broke up with #6 partly for you. I couldn’t imagine never trying to have something real with you so I ran away to X. But that night I blacked out while I called you broke everything. I knew you were never going to come visit me after that, even though you said you would. So I went away that weekend instead. Thinking of you makes me sad. I wish you had come to visit so I could have found out you were bad in bed or something so I would be over it. I think about you almost every day still. I’ve written to you and you don’t respond. I can imagine us never being together now. But I hate you for pursuing me for so many years and then just giving up on me after I made one mistake. You said I wanted too much from you but really I was at a point where I needed to sleep with a bunch more people. You wouldn’t listen I wish we could have talked in person.

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Things I am thinking about right now:
– Kissing your temple on your right side
– You in your sweats shaking your hips in my kitchen while doing dishes and making coffee
– The bone on your hip that I like to kiss
– The way you always rub a part of my body, no matter what we’re doing
– How awesome it is that you feed my musical passions and how much I love the soul cd’s you burned me (as well as the record player!)
– How amazing it is that when you say you are going to do something you do
– How easy it is to be with you
– How I love what good friend’s we are becoming
– How I can’t wait to get dressed up with you at the wedding and whisper sexy sweet nothings in your ear
– You tying me up and writhing your sexy body against mine
– The way I fantasize about you when I masturbate
– How I’d rather snuggle you than do almost anything else
– How beautiful you look when you sleep
– The way you encourage me to be healthy and successful
– The way you encourage me to be vulnerable and soft
– The way your eyes look when you are saying something heartfelt
– How you are constantly striving to be a better man and asking questions of yourself and your surroundings
– The way you talk to people, even strangers, with much respect and openness
– How this list could go on and on in my head for hours…discouraging me from being productive ALL. DAY. LONG.

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u had the best cock ive ever seen but you didnt know how to use it or kiss either. i feel like a man of 29 should know these things. i dont like how you turned on me when i told u over text i didnt want to see u again. please stop texting me. i dont like being called a slut by someone who came on to me so strong and so fast; that’s not fair. i dont wanna be ur fuck buddy. you fucking spit in my mouth dude.

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There you were. From out of the blue, I saw you. You smiled. Or maybe I did. We looked away. Nervous. Like school kids. Little by little you grew bolder. You remembered me from years before. I grew bolder, too. The next thing I knew is that I was spending all my time on stage left. I was late picking up my mike. I missed a cue. So did you. I could feel you watching me. Wanted you to, in fact. I loved watching you. So strong. So assured. The world at your fingertips. Your fingers. Your hands. Those big, strong hands that so delicately held my yarn. Watching the thread dance between your fingers, wishing that was my hair, or more. Biting my lip out of anticipation. I feel myself pulled to you. Like I can’t resist you. As two celestial bodies creating their own gravity. The sex would be electric. I gasp, catching my breath in mere conversation. I know you want me. I want you, too.

You kept my number. After all this time, you still feel the same. Except for her. You say you love her. It feels like you are trapped. Like no one will ever love you again. If you leave her. But what if she knew? Knew what you wrote me? Knew what you told me? Knew what you felt? Would she still feel the same? Would you?

Run away with me. Take me to that peak and make love to me in your tent. Find a boat and explore me on the ocean. Let my taste mix with the salt on the breeze. Drive to that remote spot, where the crickets won’t tell our secrets. Let me show you what it means to be loved.

Or you’ll never know.

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