Archive for April, 2010

Oh man, you are the best, You are SO awesome.
I would totally have casual sex with you again, anytime. I just need to figure out how to tell you in a way that isn’t weird, so that it can actually happen and be fun. I really hope you come home from X soon so that you don’t fall in love and stay there forever. I mean, I would be happy for you to fall in love, but I just want you to end up somewhere near me so we can hang out, and so we can have casual sex on occasion. Or whatever, I mean, I would probably marry you too, if that ever became an issue.

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Hey X,

I wanted to apologize about last night. Theres obviously been quite a bit of flirting between us so you might have been a bit puzzled by what the fuck I was doing with that lady outside. And/or that might unfortunately just have reinforced the clich about bartenders/bar owners/musicians or whatever really that were just a bunch of manwhores.

Im not gonna get into intricate details about my inner life or justify myself in any way, but, and to put it bluntly and clearly, I like you. Truth is Ive also recently got out of a somehow damaging long term relationship, things being not very settled and clear yet. So I do what stupid guys do, I go for easy, uncommitting, not too deeply connecting type of interactions. And somehow stay away from richer ones.

Believe it or not, its also the first time such a thing happened when Im working behind the bar, and it happened to be when you were also there. I was happy to have you there for the evening and me bailing outside at that moment only feels the more inappropriate now, so again, I apologize for that. Shit, I dont really know what more to say. Well be in touch soon, and well make this event a brilliant event in any case.

Im really glad I met you and Im sorry if I passed as an inconsiderate jerk in any way.

Take care,

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i can’t believe you still get in me like that. my head writhing for sleep, searching the papers for your name. searching our friends faces in dreams for a glimpse of where you may be, who you might be now. you felt me 3000 miles away and called because you entered your parents basement at a late hour, when my paintings come alive. you felt their colors swirling around you— they always holding my art like a tender jewel in the hands of the past. i’m glad you are in the house of your youth, and i’m sorry i can’t be there with you. soak it in…let it roar…shine on like the kid with the fro who always went after the art, the beauty, the passion.

know that i’m wrapping my arms around you…in dreams, in the past, in our distant future.

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You were such a big part of my life starting senior year of high school. I don’t know where to put you. I don’t remember why, but we started iming everyday freshman year of college and that didn’t stop for four years. I feel like I had an emotional affair with you. We made out after the balloon festival the summer I came home in your bed when we watched ‘bullit’. I kissed you later when I was with #6. He didn’t care but I did. I had a love hate relationship with you. You were always derailing my life. I broke up with #6 partly for you. I couldn’t imagine never trying to have something real with you so I ran away to X. But that night I blacked out while I called you broke everything. I knew you were never going to come visit me after that, even though you said you would. So I went away that weekend instead. Thinking of you makes me sad. I wish you had come to visit so I could have found out you were bad in bed or something so I would be over it. I think about you almost every day still. I’ve written to you and you don’t respond. I can imagine us never being together now. But I hate you for pursuing me for so many years and then just giving up on me after I made one mistake. You said I wanted too much from you but really I was at a point where I needed to sleep with a bunch more people. You wouldn’t listen I wish we could have talked in person.

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Things I am thinking about right now:
– Kissing your temple on your right side
– You in your sweats shaking your hips in my kitchen while doing dishes and making coffee
– The bone on your hip that I like to kiss
– The way you always rub a part of my body, no matter what we’re doing
– How awesome it is that you feed my musical passions and how much I love the soul cd’s you burned me (as well as the record player!)
– How amazing it is that when you say you are going to do something you do
– How easy it is to be with you
– How I love what good friend’s we are becoming
– How I can’t wait to get dressed up with you at the wedding and whisper sexy sweet nothings in your ear
– You tying me up and writhing your sexy body against mine
– The way I fantasize about you when I masturbate
– How I’d rather snuggle you than do almost anything else
– How beautiful you look when you sleep
– The way you encourage me to be healthy and successful
– The way you encourage me to be vulnerable and soft
– The way your eyes look when you are saying something heartfelt
– How you are constantly striving to be a better man and asking questions of yourself and your surroundings
– The way you talk to people, even strangers, with much respect and openness
– How this list could go on and on in my head for hours…discouraging me from being productive ALL. DAY. LONG.

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u had the best cock ive ever seen but you didnt know how to use it or kiss either. i feel like a man of 29 should know these things. i dont like how you turned on me when i told u over text i didnt want to see u again. please stop texting me. i dont like being called a slut by someone who came on to me so strong and so fast; that’s not fair. i dont wanna be ur fuck buddy. you fucking spit in my mouth dude.

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There you were. From out of the blue, I saw you. You smiled. Or maybe I did. We looked away. Nervous. Like school kids. Little by little you grew bolder. You remembered me from years before. I grew bolder, too. The next thing I knew is that I was spending all my time on stage left. I was late picking up my mike. I missed a cue. So did you. I could feel you watching me. Wanted you to, in fact. I loved watching you. So strong. So assured. The world at your fingertips. Your fingers. Your hands. Those big, strong hands that so delicately held my yarn. Watching the thread dance between your fingers, wishing that was my hair, or more. Biting my lip out of anticipation. I feel myself pulled to you. Like I can’t resist you. As two celestial bodies creating their own gravity. The sex would be electric. I gasp, catching my breath in mere conversation. I know you want me. I want you, too.

You kept my number. After all this time, you still feel the same. Except for her. You say you love her. It feels like you are trapped. Like no one will ever love you again. If you leave her. But what if she knew? Knew what you wrote me? Knew what you told me? Knew what you felt? Would she still feel the same? Would you?

Run away with me. Take me to that peak and make love to me in your tent. Find a boat and explore me on the ocean. Let my taste mix with the salt on the breeze. Drive to that remote spot, where the crickets won’t tell our secrets. Let me show you what it means to be loved.

Or you’ll never know.

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remember when i thought i was pregnant? i was 17 years old. i was so scared and alone away at college with my friends and i was weeping and weeping. i remember trying to scrounge up the seven dollars to buy a pregnancy test. i was so afraid. i called you and told you i didn’t think i could sleep with you anymore. i was trying to explain to you how the experience had been so traumatic, it wasn’t worth the risk of having intercourse. you said you would break up with me if we stopped having sex. fuck you.

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no one makes me giddy like you.

i want to write a letter to you so badly. but i never will. well. i did. and i’m sure you secretly know it, but i promise you i will never post it on this blog.

i have had a crush on you for longer than i have ever had a crush on anyone. i wonder if it would frighten you if you knew that. i’ve been in love with people longer, sure, but for some unknown energetic reason, i have been able to maintain the longest ongoing crush on you. since the day we first met. like a crush crush. like i get giddy when i see you, hear your voice, get an email from you. you make me feel excited about life the way little kids feel about bubbles.

i can’t help but wonder if things could have been different if the circumstances were different. i know you at least had a crush on me for a minute. i was shocked the night you kissed me. i replay that moment in my head wondering if it really happened. i know it did though, because sometimes you text me reminding me about it. that makes my heart race.

we were out one time and i was looking a little scrubby, but feeling really good. the bouncer told me i was the hottest person who ever walked in that bar. you told me you weren’t surprised.

you are truly a special soul in this world.

this is as ambiguous as possible i could make this letter, though there is so much more to say. can’t incriminate the innocent. i don’t care if it’s cheating, though. i would do it.

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There are so many things that you promised that we would do later because we had limitless time and there was no rush. I gave and allowed you to take because I wanted to believe that you were going to change. That you were going to love me more and just let go and make things easy one day.

And now where are you? We are nothing and I hate you so much. I hate that I gave you so much of myself and you just took it and walked away. You couldn’t forgive me once after I had sacrificed so much of myself just to keep forgiving. Why? What did I get? I cried too much and was so heartbroken for so long and the thought of you makes me clench my teeth so much that I think they will burst into powder for me to choke upon.

I don’t know how a woman can love you and respect herself unless you change.

Everything was so hard with you. I had to fight for every small victory. So hard. And then you just walked away. I will never forgive you. There was no discussion. No consensus. And I hate you for that and I will always resent you for your selfishness.

I loved you more.

And I’m so mad at myself because I just accommodated your eternal bullshit because I wanted your love.

It doesn’t have to be like that. I wish I could push everything away.

And yet, I sit here months later in your shirt in my bed in this pain just sobbing at the thought of how much pain you caused me and that you got to be the one to leave. I guess it doesn’t matter who ended it as long as it ended, I just hope you know that you are not the better person.

I wish I had back that time to fall in love with someone who had the time of day to be in love with me in the present and not promise away all of the good times that we should have had to an unknown time in the future that you never ended up making good on.

You brushed me off, made me feel ridiculous, belittled me, made me feel stupid, left me when I was in pain, couldn’t stop studying long enough to kiss me when I begged you. And I persisted.

I didn’t want to give up. When I decided to try again I convinced myself that it was going to work. And when it didn’t work, I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t give up on you. But you gave up on me. That hurts the most. And if you think that I could ever be friends with someone who gave up on me then I guess I really don’t understand you at all. I loved you, even when you hurt me and manipulated me and boxed me in and isolated me and were mean to me and you gave up on that love. You gave up. And I will never ever forgive you for that. I believed in what we had. Looking back now I don’t know how I could have ever deluded myself into thinking that anyone should have to put up with someone as self-obsessed as you, but I believed it. I was so honest and open with you and you looked me in the eye and told me it wasn’t enough.

I’m not sorry for anything that has happened since, either. It doesn’t matter anyway. It is over. You are gone. You have been gone. No need for goodbye. I just wanted to write down how much I gave and how much I lost and how I can’t forgive you. Not now, not ever as far as I can foresee. You aren’t worth it. I have forgiven you for too much and for what? A lot of empty promises and a broken heart and a handful of truly good memories and a plethora of horrible ones where someone else could have loved me more. I couldn’t have loved you more. I undercut myself just to have you in my life and to believe I could be with you forever. I believed every platitude and excuse because I wanted to believe that you loved me as much as I loved you.

And now I have a box of your things that I can’t bring myself to get rid of because it is all that I will ever have of you. I don’t want it but I still don’t know how to let go of it. I’m shocked at your lack of compassion in these past months

I would have stood by you forever.

I guess I was just that stupid.

So no, we can’t be friends, and no, I won’t forgive you.

You’ve already done too much.

I want to erase you.

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