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Archive for May, 2010

#12 we met a karaoke. Meeting you started the only screaming fight I ever had with #6 and when he grabbed my arm I called you. I asked you to come pick me up that night but your uncle wouldn’t let me stay over. I liked your muscles and just wanted to sleep with you. You were very sweet to me but you have such a negative personality and you needed me to do everything.

We would have sex five times a day and it was fantastic. Especially that one time; that was the best sex I’ve ever had. But then you started to get resentful and it wasn’t fun anymore. You kind of ruined valentines day for me, but you bought me a nice shirt, so thanks. I don’t ever want to see you again. Im grateful to you for showing me the x cemetery and introducing me to freestyling and all those drugs. You said you never felt this way about anyone before. Your friend said I was the best girl you had ever brought around. He came out to me. That was a great moment in my life.

When I told you I didn’t want to see you anymore you said I was just convenient. I know you were just bsing me because you do stuff like that a lot. But I can never see you again. It makes me so upset to think how much time I spent with you because you drove me nuts. I liked being in control though. Or feeling like I was. Because I really wasn’t. I always ended up places I did not want to be with you.

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“No Sex” crazy billboard guy is on the corner screaming at me to stay a virgin. Too bad he didn’t send the memo to my pedophile dad or the high school boyfriend that pressured me when I was 16.

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I shouldn’t have slept with you in the first place. ‘Cause you don’t even realize the basics. Like. That my clitoris is connected to my brain.

You are kind of obsessed with the fact that you haven’t been able to make me come. Guess what. It’s impossible for me to feel really good and let go after we spend time eating a meal or having a drink together and I have to listen to you talk constantly about other women.

Here’s the list of turn-off topics:
1. How beautiful that English actress is,
2. How hot and fun to spend time with your friend Jen is,
3. How you knew your ex was the woman you wanted to be your wife after only three weeks of dating her,
4. How you almost had a threesome with that friend of yours in Chicago who you respect so much because she’s a doctor, and
5. My favorite: How you went to couples counseling with your ex to help her get over her fears of abandonment.

Hey idiot: CONVERSATION IS FOREPLAY.

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I kissed you in XX. Just once. It was fine, but didn’t blow my mind. It felt very innocent, like we were in middle school, even though we were buzzed on rum and cokes. You came on the trip to XX too, and told people that of all the girls on the trip you would most want to hook up with me. You also told them that we had made out before. I corrected you and said that I wouldn’t call what we did making out. I’m not sure that you belong on this list.

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B: perhaps it’s time to start online dating girls. all the boys suck.

S: ha…YES. the girls are always good. did you ever email the first two i sent you? they were good ones. the cute one. and the hippie one.

B: they bore me with their inane “uniqueness” and “spontaneity” and “love of good wine.”

S: LAME-O!! did you go out w. another one this week?

B: no, i haven’t yet. too bored.

S: ha. have you heard back from bike boy?

B: no, none. i can’t deal. i need to meet people in person. online is too much. and then there are all kinds of other mildly interesting but basically non-kissable boys out there who message me.

S: right! SO many!!

B: it’s like, “if you were a friend of a friend and we’d hung out a bunch and you were in my bed i might shut my eyes and kiss you and let you give me an OPTHJ* but nothing else” but that’s not happening because instead you are only online dating me. which is even less exciting. that’s what i say to these boys. but they just keep on messaging me.

S: HAHAHAH you are killing me

B: haha.

S: i love you b. you should just give random boys OTPHJs whenever

B: no, i want one. i’m not going to give THEM one.

S: hahahahaah. shooooooot

B: no, i would. if they were cute enough. none of the boys i’ve online dated.
Maybe bike boy if I was bored.

S: yes. he should call you

B: right. but he bores me. it’s not like i pine for him. he just wasn’t quite as bad as the rest.

S: hahaha. not like you dwell in darkness without him.

B: right. i would take off his pants. but not dwell in darkness without him.

S: course not

B: anything new and exciting on your OKC?

S: NO! nothing!! i tried to update my profile to tell the truth. that was dumb. so i need to end that

B: ha! what happened?

S: i said “i’ll fuck you but you have to woo me first.” and that was not smart!

B: here’s my new profile:
i don’t dwell in darkness without you. i just want to take off your pants. where have you been all my life?

S: YES. But that may attract some sketchy people.

B: no, actually, it’s “keep your pants on you boring nerdy self righteous unique sensitive guy.”

S: hahaha.

B: it’s too much. the boy with bunny ears.
too many men with large flabby pale arms. bad noses, and thick glasses. i can’t wait to return to the land of low IQ. I am so sick of intellectuals who have nothing to say and have no street smarts.

S: right. who do they think they are? jeeezzzz. ok love i’ve gotta get running. i hate to leave this amazing conversation

B: okay, have a good evening. see you soon. xo

me: ok. xoxo

*OTPHJ = Over The Pants Hand Job

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Motorcycle

#9 you were so drunk I didn’t think you would remember me. I just wanted to ride on your motorcycle. You were in love with someone else but I didn’t mind cuz I wasn’t that attracted to you. You couldn’t get it up around me and I don’t regret that. Your bed was really uncomfortable but riding on your motorcycle changed my life.

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Sometimes I miss you so much that I physically feel pain in my chest. I feel I can’t take a breath. It’s like my chest is being crushed by the weight of our decisions. Or the air is being sucked out of my lungs. It was years ago, but every day I love you still. Every day I think about you. Every day I could shed a tear. You are the perfect boyfriend. I couldn’t handle you loving me so well in that moment in my life, so we had to go our separate ways. I hope that was the best thing for you, because I love you with all of my being. I am so so sorry for everything. I am terrified I will never be loved so well again.

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