Archive for October, 2010

just stop saying you love me, because then i won’t be hurt, because honestly i don’t care if you love me.

i don’t love you that much either.

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You taught me how to be in love. You also taught me to be to be afraid of ever falling in love again.

You taught me how to be brave. You also taught me how to be less bold than I actually am.

You made me believe that love at first sight could exist. High School is so strange. Play frisbee. Walk to the park. Play cards. Get ice cream. I didn’t really care what we did- I would do it if I could be near you. There was one moment when it was perfect between us. One moment we kissed like lovers. One moment we held hands like we were dating. One moment when I thought it could be forever. There were millions of moments when we could have gone back there.

I could have made you mix tapes forever.

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Dear buttered toast,
I love you so hard. I haven’t found a man or hobby to compare to you. I never get tired of you. My passion never weakens. I never want to “just be friends.”

I love to dribble you all down my breasts and lap while I’m instant messaging with friends at my computer. I love to toast you and slather you and take you to bed with me on cold winter nights. I fall asleep with you tangled in my hair. I wake up with you smeared on my pillow and my sheets.

This weekend I felt so close to you. I ate a whole loaf and used up a whole stick of full fat butter. Things haven’t been that serious for me with anyone else in a long time. Afterwards, while I was sitting in my cubicle at work, I had to unbutton my professional slacks because of you. You fill me up. You make me sigh with pleasure. You make me want to go out and buy new pants.

I love you. Never change.

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I remember making out with you on the green couch in my parents house. It was late and you were laying on top of me and the clock would not stop ticking. I felt like it was ticking so loudly, the whole world could hear the seconds go by. But then I could probably hear it because everything else was so silent. Silence and your lips on my lips. Silence and the smack of wetness between teenagers. Winterfresh gum. Aqua Blue. Smack smack, tick, tick. Winterfresh smack. Winterfresh snack.

It was too late for other noises, so my parents must have heard those wet tongues, awkward touches and occasional… moans? Part of me wanted you to touch me and part of me wanted you to behave. What would it even have felt like if you had tried to feel me? Probably not so Winterfresh. That couch was so uncomfortable and that clock was so loud and that gum got sort of stale. There comes a point in kissing when it just starts to feel weird. You start to think about what you are doing with your tongue. Where to put your hands. How your neck is getting sore. Why you are being crushed under a sweaty teenager.

So you went home. At least I didn’t get in trouble for missing curfew.

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Miss You.

The darkness sits on my chest like a weight, made heavier by feeling so utterly alone. Being surrounded in a wall of my own pain, I think of you. Have been thinking about you and about life and about the levity I felt when I was with you; the lightness you surrounded me with. And how painful it is now that it is gone. I know it’s not fair of me to say. I wouldn’t think of parting my lips to say it to you- I was simply wretched to you.

When you did the hurting, you can’t go back and say “hey, I miss you.” But I miss you. I miss having you as a friend. And having someone who knows me so well be a part of my life. When you are suffocating yourself in your own sadness, it’s hard to know if the pain is about you or about the person you miss. But fuck I miss you.

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you told me you never came in a girls mouth. i’m not even a huge fan of blow jobs, but it makes me want to go down on you so badly. i’ve been told on more than one occasion that i am very skilled in the realm of oral sex. whoever these girls are sucking your cock, i just don’t think they are dedicated enough to make it happen. it makes me want to make it my mission to get you to come in my mouth. you should be flattered that i want it so bad, because the feeling of semen hitting you in the back of the throat is generally a take it or leave it activity. i really love your cock though. i’ve never loved a cock before. i mean, they are okay, but never amazing. not like yours.

sometimes you forget how fuckable i am and tell me that i’m “cute.” but remember how hard i came when we fucked? i promise it won’t ruin our friendship. i will love you whatever happens. just let me suck your cock.

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Woah. I just woke up in the middle of the night and realized you should be my long distance booty call. I’m sure you can’t maintain a steady significant other with your hectic traveling lifestyle, but everyone needs to figure out ways to get some sometimes. I could be your way. You are totally scruffy and tiny, yet muscular, which is just how I like my men. I haven’t seen you in years and years, and once you had a soul patch, but I’m sure you’ve moved past that. I don’t even know what state you live in when you aren’t in some exotic hot place, but I’m sure you could swing through here on your flight to wherever your next home is. If I recall, you smell decent enough and there is at least a strong hint of sexual chemistry between us. And I doubt you’ve put on much weight; you were probably off hiking some volcano or something. Is that fucked up to say? Whatever, just come over.

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