Archive for May, 2012


Even though it has been many years since we last talked and things didn’t exactly end well, not a day has passed that I have not thought about you. You were the first person I can honestly say I pictured spending my life with and I have so many wonderful memories of our time together. I wish I could go back and change things. I wish things I had worked out differently. And while I knew the time would come that you would find someone else and progress through the relationship stages with them, it doesn’t make it any easier. I sincerely wish you the best. I wish you knew how much I cared, how much you still mean to me, and how much you will always mean to me- it is a love that will never fade.


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I want to tell you so many things. I want to tell you that it really wasn’t you, it was me. It was my confusion, my self hatred, my inability to accept myself. These things made me incapable of accepting you.

It’s always been me.

Its one of those things people always say but I didn’t believe it. But now I realize, it really wasn’t you…

You were just a figment of my imagination. That time you carried all my groceries to the house and set them on the counter and tried to put them in the fridge… I wouldn’t let you because I thought you were too much, too sweet, too chivalrous, and that you were trying to own me.

I didn’t want to be owned.

I didn’t realize then that these are the things people do for each other. People in love, or even people in like.

I want to tell you that I saw so much of me in you- the parts of me that I didn’t like. I saw your vulnerability and desire to be liked, loved, as the weakest parts of me, instead of as your strength to be able to express it.

If I told you these things now, you probably wouldn’t care. Or maybe you knew all along. Maybe you knew that it was me and that I had a lot of self work to do.

Anyway I hope you are well. I don’t know whether I’m any better now, truthfully. I don’t know if I can accept the love that you tried to give me any more now than I did or didn’t then. But I know now that I am the obstacle to finding love. It’s always been me.

I wanted to tell you that.

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I never expect anything from you because I know you are so unfocused. We were laying in my bed having a snack. Talking about sex no doubt, since that is my favorite topic. You suggested we watch some porn because I was really excited about this new feminist porn I had gotten. We put it in and chatted and snacked like we were watching a regular movie. You asked me some details about my ex and told me you wanted me to feel free to talk to you about him. That was the first time you had ever opened up to the idea of being even remotely supportive, even though we had been friends for a long time. We were so detached from the porn it might as well have been the news on in the background.

At one point in the film, you asked if I could come that way. I said yeah, and you said “should we try?” It makes my eyes wide even now to think of how excited I was to touch you everywhere. Your soft skin, your perfect muscles, and your smell is to die for. You are the most masculine boy I have been attracted to since high school. Usually I am attracted to slightly effeminate boys. But your pheromones must match mine perfectly, because I want to eat you for breakfast lunch and dinner.

You told me you weren’t really into that one porn star. You didn’t like her voice. Which translated into not liking the sound of her moaning.

We turned it off, but that didn’t stop you from making me come that way.

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We sat next to each other in first grade.

You used to share your crayons with me. I wonder why the teacher pushed our desks together into pairs like that. I thought you were kind of adorable, I think. I mean, I felt some sort of rush when you leaned towards my desk and offered me a crayola. Not the generic kind, of course.

You stayed back a grade though, so that was that.

But in middle school they changed the bus routes, and we ended up on the same bus. It was a small enough school that being on the same bus meant some quality time every morning and afternoon.

I thought of you as a pretty good buddy. You may have had a crush on me that whole time, but I was blissfully unaware.

You eventually invited me to a dance.

I love dancing, so obviously I obliged.

I can’t remember what I wore. Which is strange because teenage girls are supposed to remember these moments.

Somehow all of our friends were going in a limo that was full, so you got a limo that only you and I rode in. That was the beginning of the awkward. The dance was fun, but I know that I danced a little too close to a previous fling. He had gone with his girlfriend, but held me a little too close while Jewel played. We had that sweaty minty nervous closeness and it made me want him again so badly. Rumors abound that his girlfriend was pregnant though. I don’t remember how we got to the after party or home after that, because I think the limo was gone by then. I hope you didn’t spend too much money on that dance or think we were going to make out. I don’t think I have a single picture of it. You just can’t fake which sweaty teenage boy you want to stand too close too when fucking Jewel is on.

I’m sorry anyway, though. I’m sure I was more preoccupied with whether or not he was breaking up with his girlfriend at the after party than I was with whatever movies and popcorn and teenage happenings were right in front of me.

Fucking Jewel.

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I know that we don’t really have the sort of relationship at this point anymore where I tell you things like this, but I sure wish that we did, and I want to tell you about this dream I had the other night

It was really crazy crazy and part of it, you were in it. I was washing dishes and you were standing next to me, watching me do them. I had a huge scar on my arm, and you were looking at it. I was telling you that i should put some Vitamin E on it, because it helps scars heal, and you were arguing with me that it’s way too late. It’s too late for Vitamin E, it’s too late to try to fix it, I should have done it a long time ago, at this point it’s pointless. And I started screaming at you that it’s not too late, and it would still help and I was going to put some on right now. I was so so mad in the dream. I don’t think I ever got that mad at you in real life. But I was mad enough that it’s actually giving me a headache just to type this to you. It was so intense. And very real.

You think it’s too late to heal, but I guess Vitamin E can’t hurt it more.

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It used to be cute, but now it’s just inappropriate. You need to stop wanting to get in these pants because that moment has passed. It’s never coming back.

The thought of you jacking off while envisioning us together makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

The first time we did it, the mystery was enough to have it be good. But after that it just wasn’t that good, and now it’s totally over. So you need to stop fantasizing about me. Now would be a good time to do that. Okay go.

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Actually it’s really good that we are over – like extracting a bad tooth instead of filling it again. I’m really well. It doesn’t bother me to see you on facebook or to use that perfume or wear that belt or sunglasses which you gave me – those are just objects.

But dreaming of you almost every night and about scenarios reflecting my angsts I used to have in our relationship – that f*cking bothers me!

Get the hell out of my head!!!

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