I’m not sure what you mean by wishing you had treated me better.
I have only fond thoughts of you. If it means I wasn’t the only
person in your life at the time – fair enough. It meant more to
me than it did to you. You were the first person that I was excited
about after this awful thing happened to me. You were also the first
person that I felt instant lust and physical attraction toward and
wanted to get away from you because I wasn’t prepared for it. In
spite of my reluctance, the next day I found that we knew mutual people
that were a couple and dating…what were the odds of that?
Maybe you’re referring to that $hitty thing that you said to me…
or the risks we took shortly afterward. You believed I was teasing
you but the truth was I was not ready. I was wanting, but confused
and distraught about something else. I thought you better off not
knowing me or knowing the baggage that I came with – the regret
and the sadness that I still felt and the anger that goes with that.
Not your burden to carry. Had you known what happened, I’m
confident that you would not have said that and maybe it would have
slowed things down. Or maybe not, I was attracted to you and wanted
those things with you…coaxing me in to it was inevitable. Apparently
I left a mark on you for our exploits. I don’t remember doing that
but it appears to have put you off and not clear why. I can try to
fill in the blanks that you wished you had treated me better, been
more of a gentleman that I definitely deserved that. *Sigh*
We were kids.
I was damaged and gravitating to anything that I thought would
protect me and you did that when I met you – but it also fucked
with my head. How could I tell you, how inadequate I felt that
I wasn’t smart enough to see the big picture of a huge betrayal
that just happened to me months ago. I thought you deserved better,
someone that wasn’t naive that could foresee someone manipulating
my good intentions in to something sinister. If I wasn’t smart
enough to see that for what it was, maybe I didn’t belong there.
It’s always there and I project it everywhere – is someone running
good cop/ bad cop on me? Why am I so anxious? Can I trust this
Anxiety. It’s a landing zone, until I could dig down deep and
talk about the shame I felt. Why didn’t I see that? How did
I miss that? Someone violated my boundaries and I felt as
though I should have seen that coming. In part because of a
support system that believed in a bullshit psychological
construct, a false comfort…a “duck and cover” coping mechanism
that believes had I done a,b,c it would not have happened. It deludes
us in to thinking that had a,b,c happened that will keep us safe
from harm. Life doesn’t work that way. As long as
betrayal exists in this world – a,b,c as a process, won’t work.
At the time, you met me resentful that duck and cover didn’t work.
I just thought you better off and yet it felt so unfair.
You look happy and settled now. Part of me is jealous and
perhaps knowing you were preoccupied with your life direction,
something else, someone else at the time…should be enough
that I don’t what-if this any more. That you weren’t that
interested in me at all and none of the regret that I harbor
What-if we met 10 months earlier?
What-if I ignored the phone when I was running late and just
headed over to see you?
What-if I just headed over anyway after I said the exact
opposite of how I felt?
What if I just took the chance to talk to you afterward
whenever I ran in to you?
what if I just told you how I felt, that I always felt
intimidated, flattered, proud and happy with you?
what if I never experience that instant lust at first
sight attraction again? Seems unfair that I experience that
when I’m not ready for it and want it so much at the same
What if we could have loved one another?
Maybe I only have experience that instant lust attraction
once in life…it was instant for me. Hence the reason that
I reflect back on this with a very different perspective
than you, a one-sided one. I have had other relationships,
flings, but nothing that pulled me in the way that
you did. You were sooo Alpha. Better left interrupted and
unfinished because it can only be sustained by
masturbating in the past.
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