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Archive for August, 2012

There are beautiful men in my life. Swimming around me. In the soup of my lust and unrequited desire. I’m the untouched mermaid swimming in the center whirlwind of that soup.

These beautiful, almost touchable men want to talk with me. Laugh. Look at those dimples. All those teeth showing and the eyes crinkled up happy. Send me text messages. Tell me about their lives. Fears. Tiredness. Brag to me. Tell me secrets. Whisper to me. See me now and then.

I love to hear their voices on the phone pressed close to my ear while I lie in the dark in my bed. In person – watch their eyes turn towards me or away. Cheekbones, zits, big lips. Smell their smells. Watch them eat. Put food in their mouths and their lips on glasses to drink. I watch them and my own breathing gets heavier, deeper. Down in my belly and lower. Heat spreads across my torso. My throat catches when I think of them.

I want to own them. See them 5 times a week. Cover them in my hot spit. Sweat on their sheets. More. They want to be friends. I may go mad.

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OMG!
I am SO tired of never having sex or affection!
I don’t even have a pet!

all these friends and so blessed to have them but…
there’s all these men in my life I have crushes on and interest in – I wish they were interested in me, wanted to hump me, wanted to be with me, etc.

There’s half a dozen dudes I wish would dig me and want to see me and do something about it.

I am just so fucking sick of having to repress my affectionate and sexual self. Over and over and over again people tell me how funny I am, how easy to talk to, how real, how interesting…yet nobody wants to be my fucking BF. Am I really that undesirable? WTF? I swear to fucking god I am ready to start paying for sex.

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When I think about you then only thing I can think of is that brilliant moment in Singing in the Rain. When Don Lockwood tells Lina Lamont “Now try to get this straight: there is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air.”

Gene Kelly is so brilliant and suave. He looks at her sincerely and grabs her shoulders and the words “just air” float out of his mouth.

Point being, there is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Get over it. I just can’t say it that gracefully.

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I’m not sure what you mean by wishing you had treated me better.
I have only fond thoughts of you. If it means I wasn’t the only
person in your life at the time – fair enough. It meant more to
me than it did to you. You were the first person that I was excited
about after this awful thing happened to me. You were also the first
person that I felt instant lust and physical attraction toward and
wanted to get away from you because I wasn’t prepared for it. In
spite of my reluctance, the next day I found that we knew mutual people
that were a couple and dating…what were the odds of that?

Maybe you’re referring to that $hitty thing that you said to me…
or the risks we took shortly afterward. You believed I was teasing
you but the truth was I was not ready. I was wanting, but confused
and distraught about something else. I thought you better off not
knowing me or knowing the baggage that I came with – the regret
and the sadness that I still felt and the anger that goes with that.
Not your burden to carry. Had you known what happened, I’m
confident that you would not have said that and maybe it would have
slowed things down. Or maybe not, I was attracted to you and wanted
those things with you…coaxing me in to it was inevitable. Apparently
I left a mark on you for our exploits. I don’t remember doing that
but it appears to have put you off and not clear why. I can try to
fill in the blanks that you wished you had treated me better, been
more of a gentleman that I definitely deserved that. *Sigh*
We were kids.

I was damaged and gravitating to anything that I thought would
protect me and you did that when I met you – but it also fucked
with my head. How could I tell you, how inadequate I felt that
I wasn’t smart enough to see the big picture of a huge betrayal
that just happened to me months ago. I thought you deserved better,
someone that wasn’t naive that could foresee someone manipulating
my good intentions in to something sinister. If I wasn’t smart
enough to see that for what it was, maybe I didn’t belong there.
It’s always there and I project it everywhere – is someone running
good cop/ bad cop on me? Why am I so anxious? Can I trust this
person?

Anxiety. It’s a landing zone, until I could dig down deep and
talk about the shame I felt. Why didn’t I see that? How did
I miss that? Someone violated my boundaries and I felt as
though I should have seen that coming. In part because of a
support system that believed in a bullshit psychological
construct, a false comfort…a “duck and cover” coping mechanism
that believes had I done a,b,c it would not have happened. It deludes
us in to thinking that had a,b,c happened that will keep us safe
from harm. Life doesn’t work that way. As long as
betrayal exists in this world – a,b,c as a process, won’t work.
At the time, you met me resentful that duck and cover didn’t work.
I just thought you better off and yet it felt so unfair.

You look happy and settled now. Part of me is jealous and
perhaps knowing you were preoccupied with your life direction,
something else, someone else at the time…should be enough
that I don’t what-if this any more. That you weren’t that
interested in me at all and none of the regret that I harbor
is warranted.

Still..what-if…

What-if we met 10 months earlier?

What-if I ignored the phone when I was running late and just
headed over to see you?

What-if I just headed over anyway after I said the exact
opposite of how I felt?

What if I just took the chance to talk to you afterward
whenever I ran in to you?

what if I just told you how I felt, that I always felt
intimidated, flattered, proud and happy with you?

what if I never experience that instant lust at first
sight attraction again? Seems unfair that I experience that
when I’m not ready for it and want it so much at the same
time?

What if we could have loved one another?

Maybe I only have experience that instant lust attraction
once in life…it was instant for me. Hence the reason that
I reflect back on this with a very different perspective
than you, a one-sided one. I have had other relationships,
flings, but nothing that pulled me in the way that
you did. You were sooo Alpha. Better left interrupted and
unfinished because it can only be sustained by
masturbating in the past.

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You told me you had a girlfriend, but it blew my mind because you ALWAYS told me about how much you hated her, and how annoying she was. It just surprised me.

You called me late at night telling me you loved me, and you couldn’t wait to break up with her. Then one night we were playing 20 questions, and I said, “What’s the worst thing about me?” and you quickly replied, “That you might not like me any more.” Honestly I thought I was over you, because I went months without talking to you. I thought I didn’t need you, until you showed me why I fell in love with you in the first place.

Now that you guys are broken up, you barely talk to me. I mean we have lunch together, and everyone in our whole high school can tell that we have chemistry. We are just alike, attractive and funny. We are the cutest couple, and everyone says so. And two weeks ago when you came over to my house, you kissed me, and then you didn’t talk to me, until today, the first day of school, when we sat with my friends at our normal lunch spot.

On our way out to the buses, you told me that you wanted me to sit with you tomorrow and that you wanted to randomly start making out. I love you, and I don’t want to wait for you to get the balls to ask me out. I mean im not the dork I used to be. Im going to move on, and find someone, who will give me all of their love. I don’t want to wait, when you don’t want anything, but sex.

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I am already creeping and sweating you too hard. I know I am obsessive. I know it is wrong. Instead of sending you these text messages, I wrote them down for this anonymous blog instead:

1. Please email me a photo so I can enjoy my crush on you in a visual way
2. I think I am going to put together a mix of songs I’d like playing in the background next time we make out
3. Just booked a flight. Kiss you for real in three weeks and two days.
4. I would like to introduce you to new things about the vagina..starting with mine.
5. Lonely and grumpy today. Wish I could call you my boyfriend and revel in that as a ray of sun.
6. Who’s that cute Black girl in the photo with you at the club from the night we met? Did she dis you and that’s why you chased me?
7. Is your sister grossed out that I am 15 years older than you?
8. Are you already forgetting about me?

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I cared more about my hamster dying circa age 4 than I do about breaking up with you. And I don’t even like pets. Especially hamsters. Who would have a rodent as a pet, just pooping in a cage in your house? Gross.

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