Archive for October, 2012

The saddest things you said to me:

“You can contact me if there is an emergency.”


“We tried this for three months longer than anyone else would have.”

If you hadn’t said those things, I would have called you by now.

Sometimes I really have no idea why we broke up.

I just feel like I could call you and say “come over” and things would be the same and we would laugh and smile and make out.

You were perfectly perfect in every way. I just wasn’t sure how much you loved me.

I guess those 2 sentences answer it for me.

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I. it turns out the road was never really ours
in fact, it was never there at all

I laid down the bricks in jest
in haste, in desperation

now each piece is loose,
gaps widening, crumbling apart

soon a new road will come to form
a different image, another story.

II. and so I did run away with you
that night – – and the nights after that

I made you catch your breath many times
and held your heaving lungs against mine

I wanted so much to escape
that night – – and the nights after that

but, it just happened
we just happened.

III. yes, you just so happened
to be there – see,

when I reached out to grab another
my hand found yours – you

just happened to be there,

that’s all
really that’s all and will be.

IV. on my train, the sights
sounds and taste,

sheer pleasure and stark honesty
I booked the trip for two

I conjured you up and all else for amusement
to keep me from jumping off the tracks

but did you really get on with me?
and did you have to get off so fucking fast?

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Dear P,

Your taste…remains in my mouth.
Your face…embossed in my eyelids.
Your scent…lingers through my brain.

My wicked sensations from yesterday still throbs between my loins….

Our stolen moments come in between seconds…

And this guilt irks my every breath.

Let me have peace
let me breathe guilt-lessly again.

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Dear D,
For years we were friends, your girlfriends did not like me and I felt the same about them. It was me you snuck over to talk to late at night,and all we ever did was talk- but I knew that even if you had been w/ one of them, it was me you chose to be with before you went home to sleep. then we had our chance together- but I had just been burned and I thought you were just having a summer fling. Although we had dates and time together that was comfortable and fun, our one night together (which is not something I do or did even in my youth) I did because for me it was true making love. I let myself go and chose to give you me, even if you did not feel the same depth of feelings that I did.

Then, just as I was packed and ready to head back to college, you stopped over with the most beautiful roses, and told me that you cared for me- more than a fling. I was shocked and scared- and I disappeared. Flash forward 25 years, and a simple, hey, do you remember me email thru classmates.com (which I only put my profile on looking for you), and here we are almost a year later. You are married, and as you told me in our first few exchanges, you think she is the one. At the time I read that, I was happy for you, after all we were friends just catching up and our friendship seemed so easly to fall back into.

Today where am I? I find that I can’t wait to see your emails in my inbox, we have shared that we both have alternated looking for each other for the past 15 years or more, and once you let me know you had feelings for me now, I am lost. As a friend, I should support your marriage and I should be happy for you. As someone who is struggling w/ her feelings toward you- I am finding it painful. I wish we could just see each other, spend a little time together, to see if what appears to be happening is real- or is it the safety of memories and distance that has moved our email communications in the direction they seem to be taking recently.

Maybe once you see me in person, not just picture, you will change your mind, and we can discuss this mess, laugh about it and move forward in our lives and continue the friendship w/o these complications. You say you have never even considered this before, and that is a part of the person that I am falling for- so why would I want to change that part of you? I should not want you to change that very important-and rare- part of who you are.

D, I am struggling with this falling sensation, I am feeling guilty to the innocent people who don’t know they are involved in this mess. I am sorry for sending that first email, the consequences of that decision have far exceeded anything I expected. What I’d give for some peace of mind now-

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Dear Fucking Asshole,

You have successfully mentally and physically fucked me. Fuck you. Unfortunately, you’ve made me desire things I never thought I would. In a small way, my heart thanks you. Fuck you. Please keep in touch and I would love to do it all again, or whatever your sick mind comes up with. Also, I will probably need help with a project proposal this semester, if you’re available.


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january started me up

I. and so the harsh-lit concrete
became our golden brick road
hand in hand
palm to palm
alien shoulders, elbows
and arms merely brushing
as I urged you forward
to run away with me.
II. alcohol-laden breaths
pumping heaving lungs
you held on to me
as we escaped from wolves
for a few magical moments
I was yours and yours alone
your face glowing, bathed
by the gloomy lamp post.
III. half way to the end of the road
you stopped me
“do you really need to go now?”
you shook my world
halting myself from kissing you
I dragged you up
and out of the world you once knew
“don’t look back.”
IV. and so the cold dusty road
heard us
our footsteps, our laughter
stomping and running
your heavy breath and mine
my beating heart and yours
and we only stopped to board the train
…and then we were off again.

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You and me. We’re like a hot, bright firework.

It doesn’t matter that the hot part is over, and was over more than 10 years ago now. The hot part where we just shot into the sky and fucking exploded and fell in love way too quick and both got really scared about how intense it was. How we were saying it to each other wide-eyed and incredulous, writing it to each other on paper making it real. We would get in your bed and stay up literally all night making out. We couldn’t stop. We’d fall asleep for a couple hours with our faces pressed together and our hearts and eyelids fluttering and our tattoos smushing together into new designs and our breathing in rhythm all too-perfect-like. I’ve kissed a lot of boys and I still remember your kisses. If they hadn’t been so vivid and volcanic and all over me and impossible the next part might not have happened.

That’s the part where the firework is still happening but it’s losing its heat. It’s still sparkling and shimmering and still there…but the real explosion is over. All the little stars are moving away from each other but the idea of what was there still exists, filling out the shape. That’s the part that happened after you smashed my heart. You got more scared than me. You moved thousands of miles away. But then you came back. And you kept coming back into my life for years. We kept going through the motions as much as other relationships and life would allow. Sometimes we’d see each other every day. Our bands played shows together. For a while we were even neighbors. I never stopped wanting to kiss your face. Every single second we spent together getting coffee, watching movies, lounging around outside, talking about stupid shit like robots and our bands and our lives and relationships and how we wanted everything and nothing and were never satisfied…I could barely look at your neutron star eyes that I kept falling into for years. We both knew it and didn’t know it. You apologized for everything from forever ago. Said you were wrong, scared. Our hearts were both bloody on our sleeves but we didn’t want to ruin each other’s lives…though we came so close so many times…every time you threw pebbles at my window or put your head in my lap when we were sitting on a bench or showed up drenched in a rain storm at my door. Every time we hugged so tight and so long when we parted, your face buried in my long hair, your eyelashes flicking my cheek. I think you held me like that to keep our lips as far apart as they could reasonably be in an embrace. My heart would pound so hard I thought it might knock you over. We shimmered and sparkled around and outside ourselves.

I got married. And that’s the part where we turned to ash. You told me once you thought we’d have ended up together for good if I’d never met my husband and I still agree. We’re grown up now. The universe still keeps cleverly throwing our daily orbits together, over and over again. But it’s cool now. I run into you often. I don’t have a heart attack anymore. I’m just happy I still get to see your face while the ash whirls and falls around us and quietly settles on our cheeks and eyelashes, in our hair, on our hands, on the ground.

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