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Archive for December, 2012

So this is it. December 21, today was my last day of school. And I am on winter vacation for the next 10 days. I am frustrated because you are so far away. I am sad because you did not respond to my last email (November 15) and lonely because you made me feel so safe in your arms.

Every time I go on a date with someone else and they ask me what I am looking for, I look at them blankly and say you, in my head of course not out loud- and then I know I can never go out with them again.

I wish It was not so hard for me to let the thought of you go. Sometimes I am scared that if I let the thought of you go, that means I have let you go and if I let you go then no on will occupy my thoughts, and if I am feeling sad there will be empty space where your memory was and I am just not ready to lose the memory. Why is it so hard for me? We met in January of last year. Our first date was February 10, 2012. Almost 1 year ago.

I wish you would come back. Not for a day, a week or a month. I want you in my life, until our relationship comes to an end. Not because you moved away or ran out of money, but because we mutually agreed that our love no longer has any meaning.IDk

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You were in front of me, we were back in school. You had that look in your eyes that used to be reserved only for me when you wanted to kiss me. And you did.
I felt all the pain I went through again. The knowing but not knowing… Walking from you that afternoon…
You hurting me…
Leaving me in darkness…
Sleeping with her arm around you…
My angel in blue…
Then we were back.
I asked why…
And you said because I remembered why I loved you….please be my girlfriend?
And I whispered, I remembered you hurt me and left me scarred… And walked away once more with tears in my eyes…..

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You know what I did last night? I spent it with one of my students, he invited me to his house and wore his ring bearer outfit. He looked so cute. He offered me tea and popcorn. When I walked in, he told me he put on his wedding out and did his hair for me. I wish you could have been there to see this 5 year old in all his glory at the excitement of my arrival. I remember when you were like that. When I would walk into your shop and get a tea, the way you would look at me was priceless. It was very last minute, because his mom forgot to text me, and when she saw him all dressed up waiting for me- she text me and said could you come. And how could I say no- I would have moved heaven and earth to be there for this kid, and you know why, because I know how it feels to wish for someone to come so bad. To put on my prettiest party dress, clean my room, cook a fancy dinner and get ready for this mere mortal that I believe is immortal. And that is you. I felt his excitement, his joy his anticipation of my arrival. I remember those days, when I waited for your arrival, my anticipation my worry, my joy. Remember when I called you in May before you left and we hung out and spent the most amazing two days together, remember when I walked you out the next morning and you said “are you sure you cannot hang out until next Thursday?” and I said yes, – the reason I said yes was because with your track record I was so scared you would stand me up, and the past two days would have been meaningless. When I called you the next week on Thursday to hang out, you basically said you forgot (which hurt) and told me you wanted to come over and see me and you did, and for the next 7 days I took my chances, said yes to hanging out with you, and we met up. I never ever want anyone to be at my mercy, and I never ever want anyone to feel the excitement, and joy and anticipation and be let down. I wish you could have been there with me, to see how cuteeeeeeeeee and sweet he was. It would have melted your heart, the way it melted mine. I am still dreaming of you.

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We were sitting at your computer, looking at your blog. There were ads for Asian fetish porn. You noticed and got all in a huff that you weren’t in control of the ads on there. Like by owning the blog you should decide the ads. But what I think you failed to realize is that it’s not the blog that makes the ads, it’s your google searches. Things that you look at and you click on and you search for feeds google the information, making different ads pop up for different people on different computers based on what they searched for. If I looked at your blog on my computer there would be ads tailored to me.

I am disappointed in this on so many levels. I think you know enough about ads and google and how it works to know how it works. So either you knew and were lying to me to pretend you didn’t watch Asian porn. Or you are assuming I am dumb enough to not know.

Either way, yuck. And not because I have anything against porn.

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It’s weird because you and I felt so right together, yet deep down I know our lives are so different, it makes the you and I in “us” incapable of being a real “us” and more like a non existing “us”. However there is a you and there is a me. You are a boy/man. I am a full fledged adult. While our age difference means nothing while we are together it seems that our lives are so noticeably different. Or maybe you are just not that into me. I mean- 100% of me does not want to believe that because being that I am alot older than you I have dated a hell of a lot and what we had was like nothing I had ever experienced before. You told me once the only time you were happy was when you were with me. The only times I was excstatic was when I was with you. Its been 6 months since you have been gone, you see I really believe that if you were still here we would still be together. Before you left we spent every day together, and each day was better than the day before. I think I loved you since our first date. You made me laugh, and cry but more importantly you made me believe, you gave me this confidence, I wanted you to think I was the best- better than all the rest. You made me strive for success. I wanted you to think I was perfect (I know, nobody is). Nobody has ever wanted to go out with me that they asked someone else to help them like you did. I have never had a date for any sort of occasion, let alone a school dance (even though you technically were not my “date”). You were my first Valentine, the only person I ever spent Valentines Day with. I never spent a holiday with anyone other than my parents. With you I spent two. Valentines Day and Memorial Day. I never felt more confident with anyone else’s love than I did with yours. And now you are gone, and not coming back. I will remain hopeful forever……

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