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Archive for February, 2013

I have no idea how you spun your web and tangled me yet again, though this time is quite different. I have been telling you for 3 weeks when my birthday was, we spoke all night Thursday you seemed pretty clear that you understood this was my birthday weekend, when I called you Friday, you were so unsure we cancelled. I was furious at you….you always have a way to make it all better, but do you really?

You make promises but never keep them actions speak louder than words, and your promises mean nothing. You think I am in love with you, guess what I am. You told me you really wanted to see me, that if I came to you, you could guarantee I had a perfect birthday, well my birthday was far from perfect but it was great without you.

You have broken my heart in so many ways. When I told you if you did not show on Saturday for my birthday I was never speaking to you again, then you gave me some sob story and said you would make it up to me, and that you really wanted to see me, and you really liked me, but this just was not a good time for you.

We have not seen each other in 7 months, we live 8 hours away from each other, we are worlds apart, so why am I still hanging on? Why are you? When I send you your stuff back, it’s because I will no longer need a reminder of you, I will never love anyone the way i loved you, you have this piece of my heart that you will have forever. Why would you ask me why I would love someone like you. You are the most sensitive man, when I say things that are mean you fuse them in the sweetest way. I was about to tell you I hated you so much and I am glad I didn’t. I liked that you took a break from our argument and came back an hour later, you knew how mad I was at you.

Now I am worried you will never speak to me again, so I text you again last night to tell you I forgive you, and still want to be your friend and maybe I over react but you bring out all my wildest emotions and you have so much control over them. You always say the right things, I know you are honest with me. Someone told me sometimes even people in love cannot be together and I just cannot compute that yet. One day I will see it, not just because of our vast age difference I will understand- that you may love someone, and not be able to be with them.

When I was your age I went back and fourth with a relationship for 7 years, I cannot do that now, I know what love is, and I love you with my whole heart. Even though we are so different, i love that the most. our differences are what make me love you more than you will ever know. I just feel this connection to you.

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As you know i couldn’t talk to you on Tuesday afternoon. It was not possible to reach you at home, one of your daughters answered the phone saying she went to the hot tub. And later she said, my mom is not longer living here. She lives at her husbands house.

I felt myself extremely sad, I cried, it made me feel miserable it was all i could do to keep myself under control. If I were to let myself go, i would have cried more than you did in the office Mamita… I’m waiting for the day when i can touch your soft hands, your forehead, take my hands and hold me against you very quietly to say you are the lady of my dreams. My dreams are always a way for me to enjoy you. That’s when I believe you exist for me. I hope i can bring you the kind of joy you give me in every dream.

Mamita your beauty and the truth of my feelings for you are enough to sustain me for a lifetime, Mamita your smile, like sunshine in a darkened room. I was thinking about you all day at work yesterday, i missed you a lot. I can see your sweet beautiful face in a dim light. There is soft music in the dining room, and the aroma of the unique flower in my life named Mamita. There is only one in this world who could ever mean as much to me as you do. I always remember every single tear I shed for you. Each one is a drop of blood from my heart.

Mamita i want you to be feel happy to know that there is someone who has deep feelings about you. I’m not the one who is writing this letter for you, if you want to know – It’s my heart. broken in pieces suffering doctors can not do anything to heal me. There is one who can put back every single piece in place.

you live in my heart

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The day dragged on the same as every other day prior with your face imbued in my mind like a mascot of defeat and despair, the image of what I once believed would bring eternal happiness now stuck hanging in the halls of my memory collecting dust where it once hung a banner of inspiration and joy, a trophy to all men. When the sun ceases to shine, when the moon fails to glimmer, when life takes on a perpetual sheen of gray the only pass time becomes an introverted assessment of our memories, the constant unanswerable question of where did it all go wrong? When did forever get so short? At what point did love become not enough?

But being brought up with the concept that love will always reign supreme given time you learn to push these incessant thoughts to the back of your mind to lay in wait till the time of your next inevitable breakdown. So I sat and desperately clung to all the passionate kisses, the romantic love letters, the daring adventures, the love making, the future plans, as if they were life itself. Just when misery became the closest thing to happiness that I could hope to achieve I received a text from the only person capable of curing my plight it should have revived me and brought me back to the living but instead it pushed me below rock bottom, the text informed me of a change in the dynamics of the situation, she was happily in a relationship with some guy. A million images raced through my mind, her holding his hand the way she held mine, her kissing his cheek the way she kissed mine, her loving him the way she loved me. The world had stopped spinning I was stuck in purgatory my chest got tight, my hands started shaking, my vision went blurry, I was swamped with an overwhelming sense of nausea I reached for the only thing that had sustained me this far, to my horror the bottle was empty chucking the bottle at the wall I scrambled for the carton of cigarettes, empty. I’m not sure how I made it through that night if truth be told I don’t remember anything after that point just the comforting warmth of nothing.

The next two months I wasn’t alive I was in some form of a coma, yes I was there I would hear you and I would answer, but I wasn’t there not a hint of emotion, not sadness, not happiness, just nothing. Word reached me that she had broken up with her now former flame, the relief was instant. It was as if someone had stabbed me in the chest with an adrenaline needle, I allowed myself the privilege of hope. We began to talk again, at first I was reserved till I came to the conclusion that I had to be the old me, the one she had fallen in love, with not the deteriorating carcass of that man. Like all great actors I had to convince myself of the part I had to be the part so I resumed my social life I think I even found myself again at least for a time. We talked about the old times and how we still loved each other and how we were meant to be. From there it evolved into me bringing her flowers sleep overs the stupid laughs the endless kisses, til the next devastating blow to my heart was dealt, she had a new boyfriend. My shock was palpable to all around my mutilated heart visible to all to see. Still I was ensured that we would eventually be together, then it dawned on me we were over our era had ended the fairy tale had come to a tragic closing it was never again going to happen, I was merely the half time show, the fluffer in between scenes, and thats when I decided once was enough for one lifetime.

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I still see you, you know.

In my dreams, you’re staring at me with those seemingly empty crystal blue eyes and telling me, “no more”.

When I open my eyes,
I adjust my body as if you were still there,
reaching across the mattress to lay my arm gently over my pillow and pull it between my legs.
My body aches to be intertwined with yours.
Especially in the morning sunlight.

I see you on my way to work.
Laughing, or arguing, but most likely in groggy silence,
in the December air, while driving to Cambridge.
With the window down, I can still smell your cigarette smoke.

In the evenings, I see you at my front door.
Rosy cheeks and shivering, a meek smile, your shiny gold back pack.
A light kiss and lingering hug.
I want it to linger longer.

At the kitchen sink, soapy water bubbles over brims of bowls
As I feel your skinny fingers reach for me and fumble around my waist
You rest your warm cheek against my neck
I am holding you up.
And I shiver with the pressure.

I climb the stairs to my bedroom, your ghost does not follow.
The air is heavy, it weighs down hard on my chest.
Frantically, I push the tears back from eyes.
You hate it when I cry.

In bed, thoughts of you with your head between her legs seduce me like the devil clawing his way through my brain.
All consuming pain rushes through me.
Creeping from my chest, to the pit of my stomach, to the tips of my toes.

“Sleep,” you say.
“Goodnight,” I whisper to myself in the dark, hoping you hear me.

You are dead to me.

But I still see you.

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