Archive for the ‘Your First’ Category

I remember laying in the back of your dad’s minivan making out really quietly while he drove us home. Somehow the seats must have been removed because it was dark enough that he couldn’t see us laying flat back there. He had just picked us up at the bowling alley. Of course he knew we were making out. Parents always know more than kids give them credit for. He probably thought it was adorable and amazing and he was right.

Your kisses were soft and inexperienced, but every single touch was an absolute thrill. We never made out until after we broke up, and for some reason, I was fine with that. I think the pressure of a “relationship” was all too much for me and this “casual kissing” seemed much more my pace. I was sad about the break up though, so I’m curious how I reconciled it all in my head. I wonder if I cried again when that stopped happening. How does a teenager mourn the loss of an already over relationship? I can’t remember how it finally ended. You probably just found someone who can handle everything you wanted.

I think you were the last boy I dated who acknowledged Valentine’s Day existed while we were dating. You sent me flowers. To my locker? Or delivered to me at lunch. I was so overwhelmed, yet simultaneously thrilled. Did I bring them home? What did my parent’s think? You probably were a really good boyfriend. Especially as high school boyfriends go. I wonder how it would have been different if dating didn’t scare me so much. Not that I think we would be together now or anything. Just that maybe we would have had some good innocent high school make out sessions. That maybe could have prepared me more for what was coming next.


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I think of you often, but not as much as I used to. I really hope you are well out there in the emptiness of the desert, if that is where you are now. There were so many rules about what we couldn’t talk about, because of your job or your ex-wife, or whatever. I tried to follow them all, and be as good to you as you were to me. And I tried to tell myself that I could have sex with you without being emotionally involved, even though I knew it was impossible. I loved you in the way a young girl loves a man, a man who was so careful and patient and sexy. That is to say, I loved you too much. I wanted to love you with my heart and soul and I could only love you with my shy stiff damaged body. And I did and it was awesome. You let me please you and tease you and kiss you (never enough;I love kissing you).

We talked, we laughed, we teased, we flirted, and then we would go to bed. I only ever saw you in my dorm apartment on campus, but it was okay. You wanted me, and I didn’t understand why, but I wanted you too. You were an absolute gentleman every time, always so careful of me, but never afraid to put your hands on me, to move me around when I couldn’t do it myself. You had magic hands, everywhere at once. The first orgasm i ever had, I couldn’t even breathe.

You taught me, patiently, how to please you. I love giving you head, and I love giving head because of you. If I saw you tomorrow I would give you head without question. One time, you touched your beautiful big dick all over my face. It was the most erotic thing, I think, that I ever experienced.

You were always being deployed; I was always terrified you wouldn’t come back. You did. Then you were very sick and I feared you would die. You didn’t. We haven´t spoken in years, but I wish I could tell you…You made me feel so beautiful, so whole, so enough for you. I never thought a man would want me. You couldn’t keep your hands off me. I’m so glad that you were my first. Even though I hardly knew you, I trusted you, and you are an amazing man. I hope you have someone with you who appreciates all the things you do and who you are. I do.

Much love and many thanks.

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If I have to be honest, I must admit the first date was awkward, and I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. It was afterwards that you got me. The hug under the streetlight was cute, but it was the text you sent me minutes later, as I was walking through my door. The “if I knew I was going to get stuck in traffic, I would have walked you home, and given you a proper kiss.” That’s where I melted and knew I was in the most trouble. You texted me for about an hour that night as you were supposed to be doing your fantasy football draft. I felt special and that’s when I started to fall for you. You asked me to come over the next night, “We’ll watch the Sox game and have that kiss” you said. I agreed. I went out after work the next day with my sister and bought new underwear, because I knew you would see it that night. You texted me as I was shopping telling me all you could think about was that first kiss we were going to have, and how you felt in the mood for a really good makeout session.

I remember that night so clearly, what I was wearing and how nervous I was. It was pouring, and I waited for the rain to stop before I went to your apartment. When I got there you gave me a hug and then a really great first kiss. After that you said “hi” and gave me a beer. We sat on the couch and watched about ½ an inning. The Sox quickly got creamed by the Yankees and I quickly lost my top and bra. You were so sweet and gentle that night. I’m sure that you still don’t know that you were my first. That night was a whirlwind of emotions and actions. We had sex four times that night, and it was amazing. I stayed till 12 and then went home because I had to work the next day. You gently kissed me goodbye and I knew then that this was going to be trouble.

We continued this game of randomly hooking up for almost 2 years. Each time I swore I would tell you that I had feelings for you. That this was more than sex for me. ..but I never did. There were times where I was sure you wanted more, but I was too scared. There was the day you told me if you had 4 of me you wouldn’t need a girlfriend or the night you told me to enter your “wedding date” contest. But I never said anything instead we both saw other people, but kept coming back to each other. There are some amazing nights that I remember – New Year’s Eve, the day I got back from my Europe trip, your birthday gift to me, the night this past fall when you had a knee injury. Even know I tear up thinking of it. If I had just said something maybe it would be different. Or had ended it last April when I found out you were in a relationship but still sleeping with me, I wouldn’t be regretting it now. Instead I held on.

Our last get together was a week ago.. I knew that I had stupidly walked back in even though for weeks I denied you that I wanted you. Even when you texted me to tell me you had been thinking about me and you wanted me. I stood firm, we were both seeing other people. Then I stopped seeing D and you said she didn’t know what she wanted and you didn’t know where you stood. So I foolishly fell back into your bed. I went over in my dress and spike heels. I looked around your apartment and thought of the night last February when you first moved in and there was no furniture and you bent me over the kitchen sink, or this past June when we had sex on your patio even though the neighbors were upstairs. I think of all the things I did with you that I would never have done in the past. You were my sexual awakening, and I will never forget you for that. And now it’s too late for more..you’ve moved on, she finally agreed she wants a relationship. And now I am alone and this time

I’ve got to be strong. I can’t stick around and be your friend, we were never friends, there will always be that what if, and I can’t give into it. If you come back I have to say no and mean it. I know you will forever have a piece of my heart whether you know it or not. But this time I can’t, I have to let go and move on. There’s no room for me anymore. “You…Me…and your girlfriend make three….in the interest of even numbers I’ll make myself scarce.”

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You. Destroyed. Me. We were together six months. You were the boy I lost my virginity to. You said you loved me, but I’m pretty sure you never did. You broke so many promises. You broke my heart and crushed my self confidence and any sense I had of self worth. I loved you so much. After we broke up, I spent the night with your best friend. It was so hot, and just what I needed. so I just wanted to let you know that you were my first broken heart. Luckily, I found someone better. Everything I liked about you, you got from him. I still care about you, and we’re friends now that the hurt is gone. I want you to know that you can do so much better than the girl you are with now. Anyone is better than her. I hope you regret treating me like dirt the last 4 months of our relationship.

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when you kissed me i thought it was a joke. you told me i looked hot in that sarong. we had gone to the mall together that day. all of our other friends had left for college. you were the first person to finger me. you did it that first day and i told you no. that should have been my hint.

i still hate you.

parts of me still love parts of you though, and that is what makes it so fucked up. if i could just hate you it would probably be a lot easier.

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Seeing you for the first time in years is surreal. Stranger than surreal. You gained weight. Have a new haircut. Smell different. Act different. It is almost like it isn’t you. I have spent so many years of my life being angry at you, and that you doesn’t exist any longer. That you is gone. You aren’t the small, energetic, muscular teenager who smelled like a boy should smell and seduced me with your smile. You aren’t the relentless, argumentative youngster who would try to convince me to sleep with you. You aren’t the sly, manipulative, lying kid who told me you had been tested but hadn’t. You don’t even have the same sexual prowess. You don’t have the swagger you once had.

I hate you. I hate you in a way I have never hated anyone. You caused endless pain in my physical body and crushed my emotional spirit in unspeakable ways. You forced yourself on me over and over again. You twisted my words and my feelings to make it feel like it was my fault.

Now you are in front of me and I want to scream at you. I want to hit you and punch you and slap you. I want to push your face into the dirt. But you are just so pathetic. You actually thought I would come here and we could “reconnect.” You thought you could apologize and the years would have healed all and maybe we could sleep together. You hadn’t let go of your high school fantasy that we would be together. Someday marry. Kids. White Picket Fence. Have It All.

You can’t reconnect with someone you raped.

Now you are crying. You are apologizing. You are saying you are sorry and acting like I am telling you things you didn’t know before. But it’s like you are a stranger. A stranger apologizing for things someone else did to me. I look at you and I want it to be the you from high school. I want it to be the you that did these things to me apologizing for your actions. But you are so far away. I can’t even tell you to fuck off because all I really feel is that I don’t know you.

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