The last time I had sex with anyone but myself was 11 months ago and I’m making a plan to get some. I wish it was going to be with you but it’s not. You are the man I want the most and worst right now. It would be scary for me to have sex with you. My ego couldn’t take it. You don’t ask me out you only respond when I reach out to you. You aren’t affectionate and you don’t ever express being attracted to me except when we go dancing together.
I have loved those dancing times. It’s the only time you are physically affectionate and we aren’t talking. You take my hand and pull me to you and press against me. I can give in to how bad I want you without feeling too stupid or too desperate. I hold tight to your back or your thigh and put my head into your shoulder. I am scared to look into your eyes. I don’t know what I see there.
You gave me the “I don’t want anything serious right now. I don’t believe in nonmonogamy” speech. You are a dj. Women chase you. I hate the idea of being one of them. You only had a chance with me because your friend told me you were a great guy who only liked to be serious with women. That you weren’t a dog like those other guys that hang out at that club where you dj. She was totally wrong. But by the time I found out I was already attached to you – how interesting you are, how tall, how beautiful your face, what a good listener you are, how great our conversations are, your subtle sense of humor.
I want you so bad. But I don’t want the pain and confusion and uncertainty. I am making plans to fuck that silly young guy with the hot body I met a few weeks ago. He and I don’t hang out in the same neighborhoods and we don’t have any friends in common. I can go to bed with him and easily never talk to or see him again. I wish it was you.