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Posts Tagged ‘fling’

I saw you come into the bar and give the bouncer the hugest hug. I love it when men are affectionate with each other, so I noticed you instantly. You had scruff and a flannel shirt and the best dance moves. I was watching you, but we never spoke or danced together.

Apparently you noticed me noticing you. You told me later that’s why you asked for my number.

We texted a bunch here and there but never got around to hanging out until months later.

We finally went out for an epically long date, though I wasn’t sure it was a date the entire time. You are witty and fun and we got along, despite the fact you are super religious.

We awkwardly half kissed goodbye in a pretty non-sexual way. I’ve been told so many times that I come on too strong, so I was sort of letting you take the lead in this situation. I assumed you wouldn’t contact me ever again.

But two weeks later, we hung out again. I went to your house and we had relatively awkward sex. Certainly not the worst, but not the best either.

And that was it. I think if I texted you, you would politely invite me to go out dancing. But I think if I didn’t text you, I’d never hear from you again.

I cannot figure out what just happened, even a little.

Maybe you just aren’t that into me.

But we seemed to get along, and you kept pursuing me. The next day you told me it was fun and we vaguely referred to future hang out times. I feel like if you just wanted to hook up, you would have approached it differently.

It makes me inclined to think that maybe you just aren’t that into ladies.

But maybe that’s just because I’m used to boys who are feminists.

Maybe you think I’m too fat.

You are really into working out.

Maybe it’s that we became facebook friends and now you think I’m whorish.

But probably you just aren’t that into me.

For what it’s worth, I’d totally hang out with you more if you wanted to figure it out.

Or we could just become dance buddies, which I suspect is what you wanted all along.

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can i tell you that you have been on my mind this morning?

standing in the train on my way to work…the image of you was running in my head…i am no maniac, but i keep on seeing your face and your naked body…i am craving to touch and feel you again…though i know as you told me already, it is not possible…i feel a little pinch in my being now…it is called regret…

why didn’t i let go of everything when i was with you? i want you so close to me again…to grab you and your behind to pull you so close to me…to go down on you and to devour every inch and centimeter of your sex…to taste everything that is about you…i should not have minded the feeling of being tired that day with you…if i had known it was the first and last day with you, i would not have slept for even one second…i want to feel your weight on me again. pressing my face on your sheets as you bite my nape like a cat…

yes, we live in different continents…but for 20 hours we were together that day and i was in your territory…and we spent 14 hours making and breaking and creating love…stolen moments behind the souvenir shop on top of that magical cathedral and in every wing of the gallery…and the languid afternoon delight we spent in your kitchen…and up the stairs to that wicked bed of yours…in between wine and panna cotta…

and now i’m back in my far eastern world…alone again…all of them who will come after you are ghosts…they do not know how to touch me the way you did. they don’t know how i melt and die at the touch of your breath on my back. they don’t smell like you after hours of foreplay. their mouths don’t have your flavor. our flavors mixed together in your lips and your tongue. creating a distinct taste i can never have again…

when i met you for the very first time in person…that morning, outside my hotel, in an unfamiliar city…i did not pause to think. there was no fear or doubt in me. you could have been a serial killer for all i care…i let go of all my inhibitions and i enjoyed every dart of pleasure…all of our words and letters came alive that day. all of our potent threats to each other’s needs became tangible. i never thought it was possible for us to be together that day but it happened. period.

…and now you tell me now that it is impossible to happen again. now you answer my yearnings with cruel cruel words. you tell me that to desire is better than to have. but i am not a masochist. i am a 31 year old woman in need of a man. it just so happens this man is you. and our needs do not meet anymore…

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I. it turns out the road was never really ours
in fact, it was never there at all

I laid down the bricks in jest
in haste, in desperation

now each piece is loose,
gaps widening, crumbling apart

soon a new road will come to form
a different image, another story.

II. and so I did run away with you
that night – – and the nights after that

I made you catch your breath many times
and held your heaving lungs against mine

I wanted so much to escape
that night – – and the nights after that

but, it just happened
we just happened.

III. yes, you just so happened
to be there – see,

when I reached out to grab another
my hand found yours – you

just happened to be there,
too

that’s all
really that’s all and will be.

IV. on my train, the sights
sounds and taste,

sheer pleasure and stark honesty
I booked the trip for two

I conjured you up and all else for amusement
to keep me from jumping off the tracks

but did you really get on with me?
and did you have to get off so fucking fast?

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Dear D,
For years we were friends, your girlfriends did not like me and I felt the same about them. It was me you snuck over to talk to late at night,and all we ever did was talk- but I knew that even if you had been w/ one of them, it was me you chose to be with before you went home to sleep. then we had our chance together- but I had just been burned and I thought you were just having a summer fling. Although we had dates and time together that was comfortable and fun, our one night together (which is not something I do or did even in my youth) I did because for me it was true making love. I let myself go and chose to give you me, even if you did not feel the same depth of feelings that I did.

Then, just as I was packed and ready to head back to college, you stopped over with the most beautiful roses, and told me that you cared for me- more than a fling. I was shocked and scared- and I disappeared. Flash forward 25 years, and a simple, hey, do you remember me email thru classmates.com (which I only put my profile on looking for you), and here we are almost a year later. You are married, and as you told me in our first few exchanges, you think she is the one. At the time I read that, I was happy for you, after all we were friends just catching up and our friendship seemed so easly to fall back into.

Today where am I? I find that I can’t wait to see your emails in my inbox, we have shared that we both have alternated looking for each other for the past 15 years or more, and once you let me know you had feelings for me now, I am lost. As a friend, I should support your marriage and I should be happy for you. As someone who is struggling w/ her feelings toward you- I am finding it painful. I wish we could just see each other, spend a little time together, to see if what appears to be happening is real- or is it the safety of memories and distance that has moved our email communications in the direction they seem to be taking recently.

Maybe once you see me in person, not just picture, you will change your mind, and we can discuss this mess, laugh about it and move forward in our lives and continue the friendship w/o these complications. You say you have never even considered this before, and that is a part of the person that I am falling for- so why would I want to change that part of you? I should not want you to change that very important-and rare- part of who you are.

D, I am struggling with this falling sensation, I am feeling guilty to the innocent people who don’t know they are involved in this mess. I am sorry for sending that first email, the consequences of that decision have far exceeded anything I expected. What I’d give for some peace of mind now-

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january started me up

I. and so the harsh-lit concrete
became our golden brick road
hand in hand
palm to palm
alien shoulders, elbows
and arms merely brushing
as I urged you forward
to run away with me.
II. alcohol-laden breaths
pumping heaving lungs
you held on to me
as we escaped from wolves
for a few magical moments
I was yours and yours alone
your face glowing, bathed
by the gloomy lamp post.
III. half way to the end of the road
you stopped me
“do you really need to go now?”
you shook my world
halting myself from kissing you
I dragged you up
and out of the world you once knew
“don’t look back.”
IV. and so the cold dusty road
heard us
our footsteps, our laughter
stomping and running
your heavy breath and mine
my beating heart and yours
and we only stopped to board the train
…and then we were off again.

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