Posts Tagged ‘healing’

The day dragged on the same as every other day prior with your face imbued in my mind like a mascot of defeat and despair, the image of what I once believed would bring eternal happiness now stuck hanging in the halls of my memory collecting dust where it once hung a banner of inspiration and joy, a trophy to all men. When the sun ceases to shine, when the moon fails to glimmer, when life takes on a perpetual sheen of gray the only pass time becomes an introverted assessment of our memories, the constant unanswerable question of where did it all go wrong? When did forever get so short? At what point did love become not enough?

But being brought up with the concept that love will always reign supreme given time you learn to push these incessant thoughts to the back of your mind to lay in wait till the time of your next inevitable breakdown. So I sat and desperately clung to all the passionate kisses, the romantic love letters, the daring adventures, the love making, the future plans, as if they were life itself. Just when misery became the closest thing to happiness that I could hope to achieve I received a text from the only person capable of curing my plight it should have revived me and brought me back to the living but instead it pushed me below rock bottom, the text informed me of a change in the dynamics of the situation, she was happily in a relationship with some guy. A million images raced through my mind, her holding his hand the way she held mine, her kissing his cheek the way she kissed mine, her loving him the way she loved me. The world had stopped spinning I was stuck in purgatory my chest got tight, my hands started shaking, my vision went blurry, I was swamped with an overwhelming sense of nausea I reached for the only thing that had sustained me this far, to my horror the bottle was empty chucking the bottle at the wall I scrambled for the carton of cigarettes, empty. I’m not sure how I made it through that night if truth be told I don’t remember anything after that point just the comforting warmth of nothing.

The next two months I wasn’t alive I was in some form of a coma, yes I was there I would hear you and I would answer, but I wasn’t there not a hint of emotion, not sadness, not happiness, just nothing. Word reached me that she had broken up with her now former flame, the relief was instant. It was as if someone had stabbed me in the chest with an adrenaline needle, I allowed myself the privilege of hope. We began to talk again, at first I was reserved till I came to the conclusion that I had to be the old me, the one she had fallen in love, with not the deteriorating carcass of that man. Like all great actors I had to convince myself of the part I had to be the part so I resumed my social life I think I even found myself again at least for a time. We talked about the old times and how we still loved each other and how we were meant to be. From there it evolved into me bringing her flowers sleep overs the stupid laughs the endless kisses, til the next devastating blow to my heart was dealt, she had a new boyfriend. My shock was palpable to all around my mutilated heart visible to all to see. Still I was ensured that we would eventually be together, then it dawned on me we were over our era had ended the fairy tale had come to a tragic closing it was never again going to happen, I was merely the half time show, the fluffer in between scenes, and thats when I decided once was enough for one lifetime.

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A year ago I met you. A month later we had our first date, 6 months later you left. I never told you this because the past is the past, however I have been with so many men in my life that it all adds up. When everyone else was in long lasting relationships I was just shacking up. So when I met you, I knew our time together was special from the first night. I knew we clicked. You just got me. I knew I would have a really hard time letting you go, you didn’t make it easy. I wish I could hate you and move on, my girlfriends aren’t to fond of you- however they are desperate and when the relationship doesn’t amount to a “bf/gf” status within a month they are ready to kick their men to the curb. Though prior to the non status change they were oh so in “love”. I was oh so in love, for the right reasons, I think. If you take into account that you learn something from each relationship you encounter then I have to say I have learned a lot about love, men, dating, sex etc.

And you were different, We were different and this is why I can’t move on. I write you notes all the time, obviously they always go unsent- because why bother, it won’t bring you back and may even scare you. So the email you sent me the other day, made me realize that you, us we were different then anything I had ever experienced before. You are not my bf, and you told me yourself probably wouldn’t be for at least 5 years, because that’s when you thought you would be the right age to be someone’s bf. I don’t think it was an excuse, you were logical and it made sense. Our age difference is so crucial in how this all plays out, I’m not going to tell you this, but I want babies, I am in the right place in my life- however I would never want to rob you of your 20’s, I think those are important times for a young stud such as yourself.

I never felt as free as I feel with you. Even though we shoot a couple of monthly emails and have not seen each other in 6 months, somewhere inside my mind I have hope. I know that my heart is safe with you, maybe it’s because you haven’t found anyone else to love, IDK nor do I want to know. I feel safe with you. I told you I missed you yesterday, and you told me you missed me too. That made me feel safe. It’s just a feeling I get when you are on the other end of the computer, or all the times we shared. Being with you I let it all go, told you my hopes, dreams, wants, wishes and fears. I think you shared yours with me (even though yours will change over time). You wanted to help me get over my biggest fear just to prove to me that being fearful is pointless, and that if my fear happens no big deal you would be right there to help me. I like your honesty, or at least I hope you are honest- my gut tells me you are. My intuition tells me, to trust my gut so I am.

I could probably be away from you forever and never fill the void, I hope it’s not the case. I’m just not sure how we would really ever make this work. You hate NY- NY is my life. I want to be your friend forever but I know there’s going to come a point when it will hurt too much and I will have to say goodbye forever……

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Dear Beau,

We got lost somewhere along the way. You said “something happened to what we used to be” and yesterday I figured it out. You lost yourself. My shrink once told me “people change but their essence remains the same.” You were still that gorgeous guy that played guitar late at night, watched series with his dad and liked wine. What I’m trying to say is, you changed, you stopped trying to make us work.

And it’s okay. We’re young and I shouldn’t have expected so much out of you. You weren’t ready to be my person. You weren’t ready to tell your friends about me, travel together, introduce me to your family or talk about our future. It was a dead end relationship from the very start. But it was beautiful. So goddamn beautiful and fuck anyone who says otherwise.

We were two people in love. God, I still love you. I think a part of me always will. Right now, I am setting you free. I don’t hate you or resent you for not putting in as much as I did. I understand you weren’t ready.

I wish you the best. If you got back together with your ex, good for you, she’ll give you whatever I couldn’t.

Goodbye, this will be the last letter I write you. It will go in the box where I kept all of your unsent love letters. It will be hidden in my closet, far away from view, under a lock, with a thousand other memories I’m not strong enough to dust off.



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I wrote down a list of books on a scrap paper and drove to the bookstore this morning. I was in search of self-help mainly, and a few scattered feminist novels because at 3 months I’m still in need of cheap therapy to move on from you. But, I didn’t make it to self-help. I don’t want some book to put you, me, or us in a box and to rationalize my experience. I don’t want a false guide to trash you and tell me my dream was unreal. Life is only the story you give to it. “We” were only ever the stories each of us gave to “us.” There is no other reality than that – for others to think there is one version of the truth is foolhardy. Those people enjoy sameness and feel satisfied when life turns out shitty – just the way they predicted it would. I do live in an imaginary world, but it’s always been a place I’d rather be. You are there – and you are lovely.

So, I bypassed the self-help section because the pull of the fantasy room drew me in too deep. The fantasy room at Powell’s bookstore is you. It is the center surrounded by all the other room’s colors. Adjoining it to the left is orange for business; blue to the right for fiction. Directly above is red for religion and foreign language, and above that is purple for politics and law. But you, right in the middle of the massive warehouse, are gold – a metal, not a color. The room is protective of the readers that wander its shelves, just like you – always pulling outsiders in. The readers feed back a shared and unspoken secret that lies in the acceptance of a transgressive world.

I sat down on one of the benches and watched how a reader scans the shelf for his book. Before he lifts it off, he will touch and admire the spines of all the others, hence completed from a series or from a favorite author, remembering the beginning and the journey fondly. Then he will select his book. Each reader knows the immediate urgency for the next book, to read all 920 pages of the 14th installment of the series (and sometimes before he can get to the cash register). There is no other room where so many of the customers post up and read – one is lucky to find a seat! But, at the same time, no one is actually present in this room. For this is not a room, it is a portal. The eyes of each reader relaxed and set in the direction of, and becalmed in, a far-away distant world.

Maybe this is what happened between you and me. The fantasy of us enveloped both of us in the beginning. Then, the reality didn’t match the fantasy and you lost interest. You went back to your tried and true fantasies. If only you would give me another chance, I would be a portal for you into a world that is not this world. I cannot understand why you left me, but I think I may understand why you left for the woods. It only makes sense that you are out in the wilderness in another fantasy adventure.

The ruin of it all is that I wouldn’t have seen you like I see you now had you stayed. I was caught up in fear and too overworked to see you and honor you like I should have. With your absence, I have all the time in the world to think about it. Do you think about me? Is there a place in you that you have reserved a possibility for you and me or have you foreclosed us completely. It bewilders the mind to think – can it be possible for only me to feel this way? Is this the way a mother feels about her children? A one-sided love? Can romantic love exist in only one person?

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It’s weird because you and I felt so right together, yet deep down I know our lives are so different, it makes the you and I in “us” incapable of being a real “us” and more like a non existing “us”. However there is a you and there is a me. You are a boy/man. I am a full fledged adult. While our age difference means nothing while we are together it seems that our lives are so noticeably different. Or maybe you are just not that into me. I mean- 100% of me does not want to believe that because being that I am alot older than you I have dated a hell of a lot and what we had was like nothing I had ever experienced before. You told me once the only time you were happy was when you were with me. The only times I was excstatic was when I was with you. Its been 6 months since you have been gone, you see I really believe that if you were still here we would still be together. Before you left we spent every day together, and each day was better than the day before. I think I loved you since our first date. You made me laugh, and cry but more importantly you made me believe, you gave me this confidence, I wanted you to think I was the best- better than all the rest. You made me strive for success. I wanted you to think I was perfect (I know, nobody is). Nobody has ever wanted to go out with me that they asked someone else to help them like you did. I have never had a date for any sort of occasion, let alone a school dance (even though you technically were not my “date”). You were my first Valentine, the only person I ever spent Valentines Day with. I never spent a holiday with anyone other than my parents. With you I spent two. Valentines Day and Memorial Day. I never felt more confident with anyone else’s love than I did with yours. And now you are gone, and not coming back. I will remain hopeful forever……

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You and I are soul mates. I am angry at you for telling me to depend on you and running when I did. I am angry that the last thing you said to me was “You are amazing and I am sorry if I did anything to make you feel otherwise.” IF? IF? How about two years of not loving me back–of not ever opening yourself to me, often empty promises of trips we never took or things that never happened, taking me for granted, or the hot and cold and constant back and forth–or for not even allowing me to love you the way I wanted…or at all.

You won.

You did it.

You took a great relationship and sabotaged it to nothing. Just pain. I am not even sure you feel pain. Do you feel at all?

You pushed me away. I finally give up on you–us.

But not on me.

One day you will miss me. You will wish you had been brave. You will miss the sound of our laughter. Our jokes. Our noses rubbing after sex. The incredible open sexual side of us. The late night talks. The cheerleader I was for you as a father, a man, a worker, and a lover. You will miss me. I hope I haunt your heart for years–

You hurt me, you knew you were hurting me, and I had to walk away. . .

I feel different this time. I don’t want you anymore. I feel more pain that you didnt love me back than anything else. I am surely worth loving. Our love just sat there and you ignored it. Didn’t take care of it. Let it grow. You never even picked it up to accept it. And that I will never forgive you for. Since you never “tried” to “be good to me as you wanted to be” it never had a chance.

We deserved a chance.

I will forget you. Your touch. Your smile. Your voice on the phone at night. Your “hey babe” messages. Your scent. The feeling of you with me as one. I will lose it all over time.

And I wont look back. . . even if you appear. I am done. Done loving you. I love myself too much to try to love you for one more day.

But I do do miss you.


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Dear H,

You are my true north. My soul mate. I thought I could keep you happy forever well I hoped I could. You were the brightest light that ever shined in my direction.

The times we spent together I will treasure forever. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for going on and on about you, especially since I am 11 years your senior. Age never mattered. When my friends tells me you are only 21 and only after one thing, I never understood. If you were only after one thing I never would have known.

i love you because- you are smart, beautiful, caring, passionate, compassionate, and the most lovable caring person I have ever met in my life. my life without you is sad, and lonely and unfulfilled. You know I love my job, and all that goes along with it, then there are the happy times I wish I had someone to share with. Then there are the sad times I wish you could hug me and make everything better.

I don’t want to find someone like you or get over you, because you are him, the man I wish to be with forever and ever and ever. I may not get that chance, and I hope the woman who does appreciates you in the most raw form.

I will love you forever…

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