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Posts Tagged ‘jealousy’

It’s been almost ten years since we first met. In ten years I’ve forgotten so much of the everyday things I’ve done. When I move house and find little momentos of these things I’m amazed by how much can lay dormant in my brain awaiting a little trigger.

I still remember that night we met, and so many little things from that night act as triggers. Cranberry Juice. A red beret. Town Hall steps. The buzz of the air in springtime at dusk.

The way you danced, the cheeky smile and the natural groove. I could see you knew how to find the rhythm in the music and match it to your body’s way.

When I see a girl dancing for attention, scripted by the latest filmclip and seeming all out is sync, I think of you. I think of how natural and vital you were and I see my girlfriend at the time trying to dance away her sadness. I tried the best I could to hide the effect you’d had on me, but she knew. She could see the change in my face.

From that night everything about you echoes through my day. The passion for social change and the care of others. The way you can step in with both feet. Your concern with your weight and my insensitive comments. I couldn’t understand your worry because you are perfect to me.

We had times together that will always stay with me, even if I get old timers and can’t remember my name, I’ll remember them.

The night you came back to kiss me.

I couldn’t because I knew how much he loved you too.

I couldn’t because I didn’t think I could be what you deserved.

I should’ve, but I wasn’t brave enough to jump with both feet.

Now you live in a place I’d love to be. On the other side of the world. Where my sister found and lost her true love.

I remember thinking that when all the busy years had flown, we’d find eachother again. I thought that in time the poles would flip. We’ll fit together in cuddles and my mind will no longer be dormant.

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As you know i couldn’t talk to you on Tuesday afternoon. It was not possible to reach you at home, one of your daughters answered the phone saying she went to the hot tub. And later she said, my mom is not longer living here. She lives at her husbands house.

I felt myself extremely sad, I cried, it made me feel miserable it was all i could do to keep myself under control. If I were to let myself go, i would have cried more than you did in the office Mamita… I’m waiting for the day when i can touch your soft hands, your forehead, take my hands and hold me against you very quietly to say you are the lady of my dreams. My dreams are always a way for me to enjoy you. That’s when I believe you exist for me. I hope i can bring you the kind of joy you give me in every dream.

Mamita your beauty and the truth of my feelings for you are enough to sustain me for a lifetime, Mamita your smile, like sunshine in a darkened room. I was thinking about you all day at work yesterday, i missed you a lot. I can see your sweet beautiful face in a dim light. There is soft music in the dining room, and the aroma of the unique flower in my life named Mamita. There is only one in this world who could ever mean as much to me as you do. I always remember every single tear I shed for you. Each one is a drop of blood from my heart.

Mamita i want you to be feel happy to know that there is someone who has deep feelings about you. I’m not the one who is writing this letter for you, if you want to know – It’s my heart. broken in pieces suffering doctors can not do anything to heal me. There is one who can put back every single piece in place.

you live in my heart

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The day dragged on the same as every other day prior with your face imbued in my mind like a mascot of defeat and despair, the image of what I once believed would bring eternal happiness now stuck hanging in the halls of my memory collecting dust where it once hung a banner of inspiration and joy, a trophy to all men. When the sun ceases to shine, when the moon fails to glimmer, when life takes on a perpetual sheen of gray the only pass time becomes an introverted assessment of our memories, the constant unanswerable question of where did it all go wrong? When did forever get so short? At what point did love become not enough?

But being brought up with the concept that love will always reign supreme given time you learn to push these incessant thoughts to the back of your mind to lay in wait till the time of your next inevitable breakdown. So I sat and desperately clung to all the passionate kisses, the romantic love letters, the daring adventures, the love making, the future plans, as if they were life itself. Just when misery became the closest thing to happiness that I could hope to achieve I received a text from the only person capable of curing my plight it should have revived me and brought me back to the living but instead it pushed me below rock bottom, the text informed me of a change in the dynamics of the situation, she was happily in a relationship with some guy. A million images raced through my mind, her holding his hand the way she held mine, her kissing his cheek the way she kissed mine, her loving him the way she loved me. The world had stopped spinning I was stuck in purgatory my chest got tight, my hands started shaking, my vision went blurry, I was swamped with an overwhelming sense of nausea I reached for the only thing that had sustained me this far, to my horror the bottle was empty chucking the bottle at the wall I scrambled for the carton of cigarettes, empty. I’m not sure how I made it through that night if truth be told I don’t remember anything after that point just the comforting warmth of nothing.

The next two months I wasn’t alive I was in some form of a coma, yes I was there I would hear you and I would answer, but I wasn’t there not a hint of emotion, not sadness, not happiness, just nothing. Word reached me that she had broken up with her now former flame, the relief was instant. It was as if someone had stabbed me in the chest with an adrenaline needle, I allowed myself the privilege of hope. We began to talk again, at first I was reserved till I came to the conclusion that I had to be the old me, the one she had fallen in love, with not the deteriorating carcass of that man. Like all great actors I had to convince myself of the part I had to be the part so I resumed my social life I think I even found myself again at least for a time. We talked about the old times and how we still loved each other and how we were meant to be. From there it evolved into me bringing her flowers sleep overs the stupid laughs the endless kisses, til the next devastating blow to my heart was dealt, she had a new boyfriend. My shock was palpable to all around my mutilated heart visible to all to see. Still I was ensured that we would eventually be together, then it dawned on me we were over our era had ended the fairy tale had come to a tragic closing it was never again going to happen, I was merely the half time show, the fluffer in between scenes, and thats when I decided once was enough for one lifetime.

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Some people might say I’ve had one too many lovers, all i can say about that is i have a lot of love to give, i am one of those people that i can find something to love about nearly everyone i come into contact with, it comes with being a half glass full kind of girl. I remember my first heart stopping, oh my fucking god i just fell in love with him moment, it came complete with a sunset and him horse riding.. I was sitting there in awe of the moment, in awe that i had only met him a few weeks prior, and now here he was larger than life, right in front of me, i felt the love pouring over me and i was in too deep to get out. So i ran along with it not knowing what else to do, not knowing how to walk away, this love of a lifetime continued on for almost 2 years, 80 percent of the time it was total bliss. There were constantly moments where i fell deeper and deeper in love with this person, then came the day when i got a phone call from his ex, there was no snooping involved i wasn’t one of those girls, and i never in a million years thought that the person that i loved so much could hurt me. The phone rang while he was downstairs and i answered this private call not knowing what was about to go down, i was on the defence as soon as i heard the swedish accent ” its j is n there” i screamed down the phone “Why the fuck are you calling” her response shocked me more than anything in the world ” i have been talking to him for weeks i know all about the fight you guys had and how upset he was and now I’m calling to see if he’s ok” As a woman i instantly cared about the fact that he was talking to other women about fights we have had, other women being his EX… Are you fucking kidding me?

I then went through his phone and saw a text message to her “i love you j” that was it for me.

So to you N – know that i am now happily engaged, to someone who is more of a man than you could ever be, cheating resonates within that persons soul for the rest of their lives, i will never forget how you betrayed me, i have ever since that moment not trusted another man even when they deserve all the trust in the world, when they say ” you can trust me, i will never do anything wrong by you” i now will never believe it, When we broke up apart of myself died that day, as much as i would never admit it to any of my friends or family. You have never taken responsibility for the hurt you caused, you have never apologised, i don’t think you have ever really understood how much i loved you, you were truly up on a high pedestal that no one could have ever reached, its no surprise to me that you fell off. You taught me many things, always suspect the worst, never put someone up on a pedestal higher than you are on, Never let someone take your power. In my quiet moments i still think about what happened, i still remember the way you used to smile or our times we spent together, so i don’t have hate towards you. I have pity for you, that someone was standing before you wanting to give you all the love in the world and you couldn’t see past yourself to see how amazing it all could have been.
You are still a drinker, you are still a womaniser, a liar, and like i said to you before i pity that you morph into whoever your dating, you are a piece of clay, no more human than a robot.
I have changed and evolved and i have let this experience teach me what it had to, but you, your still the same.

May karma be with you.

Kindest Regards
You c…t xx

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I lost the only love note you ever gave me. It was the best love note I ever got. Most emotional. Most intense. Most real. Most true. I put it in the blue cup on my windowsill. At some point, I must have gotten worried it would fade in the sun, so I moved it to my box of notes. Under the bed. That must be what happened because the only other terrifying possibility is that my mom found it. Read it. And threw it away?

I had a confidence in our love that I have never been able to replicate. I was so sure that it was forever that I wasn’t jealous when you told me about girls you had crushes on. I wasn’t jealous when you went away to college and were surrounded by other women. Older women. More experienced women. I wasn’t jealous when you dated other women. Women you really liked a whole lot and had a lot of feelings for. It didn’t matter to me, because I knew we would ultimately be together. We had to be.

I almost feel like I wasn’t even jealous when you married her. I still didn’t think it was real.

Now I’m not sure if it was the best love note ever because I can’t reread it repeatedly. We didn’t have electronic archives of every emotion back then. We only had rereading the note until the corners were bent and the creases started permanently fading the ink. Maybe it was a horrible love note and you weren’t even that into me. It’s lost forever though now, so I’ll just never know. I guess getting jealous wouldn’t have helped, but perhaps it was foolish of me to not see. I sometimes feel more mournful about the lost note than the lost love. However brief, that emotion was real and spoken. Not lost forever.

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As these things do it all started out innocently enough – you were literally the boy next door. You moved in with your mom and sisters one day in junior high. I was riding my bike and I met you. You were cute and polite…you know, just like a boy next door. You were younger than me, by just enough.

Soon we rode bikes together and listened to music. You befriended my brother so it was always the three of us. You liked me and I knew it. I liked you too. My brother knew it and ignored it. My friends thought you were cute but we all agreed you were a baby, too young for us. I was coming out of this unfortunate ugly duckling phase and other boys were starting to get it. I liked that too – I’ve always liked attention. You didn’t like it. You started talking about how you loved me, to everyone but me. My brother told you to cut the shit. But you didn’t, because you’ve always liked attention too.

I started dating other boys – one boy in particular that put a bee in your bonnet. Your family kind of sucked so you were always around my house, sleeping over, hanging with my brother, making sandwiches, borrowing my CDs, joking with my mom. You were kind of like Eli Cash in The Royal Tenenbaums. You always asked me to be your girlfriend but I just laughed and said you were too young. But everyone knew I loved you too. Despite these other age-appropriate boys. Despite everything. We would lie around and listen to new bands, and sometimes kind of brush hands and arms and look at each other and everyone knew. We would fake fight and hug and kiss and make a ruckus. My brother wanted to murder us both sometimes.

I ended up dating this boy your age senior year. That added significantly to the bees in your bonnet. You confronted me with lots of ‘what the fucks?’ and ‘how could yous?’. You hated me. We danced at the prom because you came with some other girl. You still hated me. I graduated. Went to college. Broke up with that boy because he was expendable, a summer fling, nothing like you. You still hated me. But it wasn’t about anyone’s age. It was about me loving you and being too scared to fuck it up and make you go away for good. You still hated me. Probably because I never told you any of that.

We ended up working together those first few summers during college. We hated each other (surprise!). One close friend we shared was our messenger of harsh sentiments. But things changed during the second summer. I had a bad break up before coming home. I cut off my hair and smoked and drank a lot. You were at your angriest towards me for a million reasons. I dated a boy we worked with just to make you jealous. It fucking worked. We were both in a tizzy. My parents went away and I had a party. We drank too much and made out in your car. I was numb that night but the next morning when we were making out in my bed numbness warmed up into love. It was too perfect. Something mutual had jangled loose in both our brains. That was the last good day for a while.

Once you had my heart for real you proceeded to try and make me jealous. So I did the same. It got toxic. I thought about the past too much, hated our progression. I was sad – the whole thing was a dirty trick. We were both so broken. On our last date to a rock show I gave my number to a boy to make you mad and he’s my husband now. We didn’t talk forever. Later you popped in and out of my life to various damaging degrees. Tried to sleep with my roommate. Said you loved me one winter night when I drew a dinosaur on your windshield and we hadn’t talked in ages. Wrote mean songs about me and hid them at the end of a mix tape you sent me. Passed out in the bushes on my wedding night after my family made me invite you.

You have gone through a lot of shit that has nothing to do with me, but are happy now making music and you have an awesome lady. I’m happy too. We’ve finally come around to each other again. We’re friends. Just like we somehow always were, somewhere in all the mess. Every time I tell anyone how I met my husband, I silently apologize to you. Not because I wish I was with you now, but because I willfully hurt you more than anyone ever. And guess what I still love you. But for a change I don’t hate you.

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