Posts Tagged ‘Single Tear’

As you know i couldn’t talk to you on Tuesday afternoon. It was not possible to reach you at home, one of your daughters answered the phone saying she went to the hot tub. And later she said, my mom is not longer living here. She lives at her husbands house.

I felt myself extremely sad, I cried, it made me feel miserable it was all i could do to keep myself under control. If I were to let myself go, i would have cried more than you did in the office Mamita… I’m waiting for the day when i can touch your soft hands, your forehead, take my hands and hold me against you very quietly to say you are the lady of my dreams. My dreams are always a way for me to enjoy you. That’s when I believe you exist for me. I hope i can bring you the kind of joy you give me in every dream.

Mamita your beauty and the truth of my feelings for you are enough to sustain me for a lifetime, Mamita your smile, like sunshine in a darkened room. I was thinking about you all day at work yesterday, i missed you a lot. I can see your sweet beautiful face in a dim light. There is soft music in the dining room, and the aroma of the unique flower in my life named Mamita. There is only one in this world who could ever mean as much to me as you do. I always remember every single tear I shed for you. Each one is a drop of blood from my heart.

Mamita i want you to be feel happy to know that there is someone who has deep feelings about you. I’m not the one who is writing this letter for you, if you want to know – It’s my heart. broken in pieces suffering doctors can not do anything to heal me. There is one who can put back every single piece in place.

you live in my heart

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I lost the only love note you ever gave me. It was the best love note I ever got. Most emotional. Most intense. Most real. Most true. I put it in the blue cup on my windowsill. At some point, I must have gotten worried it would fade in the sun, so I moved it to my box of notes. Under the bed. That must be what happened because the only other terrifying possibility is that my mom found it. Read it. And threw it away?

I had a confidence in our love that I have never been able to replicate. I was so sure that it was forever that I wasn’t jealous when you told me about girls you had crushes on. I wasn’t jealous when you went away to college and were surrounded by other women. Older women. More experienced women. I wasn’t jealous when you dated other women. Women you really liked a whole lot and had a lot of feelings for. It didn’t matter to me, because I knew we would ultimately be together. We had to be.

I almost feel like I wasn’t even jealous when you married her. I still didn’t think it was real.

Now I’m not sure if it was the best love note ever because I can’t reread it repeatedly. We didn’t have electronic archives of every emotion back then. We only had rereading the note until the corners were bent and the creases started permanently fading the ink. Maybe it was a horrible love note and you weren’t even that into me. It’s lost forever though now, so I’ll just never know. I guess getting jealous wouldn’t have helped, but perhaps it was foolish of me to not see. I sometimes feel more mournful about the lost note than the lost love. However brief, that emotion was real and spoken. Not lost forever.

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I know that we don’t really have the sort of relationship at this point anymore where I tell you things like this, but I sure wish that we did, and I want to tell you about this dream I had the other night

It was really crazy crazy and part of it, you were in it. I was washing dishes and you were standing next to me, watching me do them. I had a huge scar on my arm, and you were looking at it. I was telling you that i should put some Vitamin E on it, because it helps scars heal, and you were arguing with me that it’s way too late. It’s too late for Vitamin E, it’s too late to try to fix it, I should have done it a long time ago, at this point it’s pointless. And I started screaming at you that it’s not too late, and it would still help and I was going to put some on right now. I was so so mad in the dream. I don’t think I ever got that mad at you in real life. But I was mad enough that it’s actually giving me a headache just to type this to you. It was so intense. And very real.

You think it’s too late to heal, but I guess Vitamin E can’t hurt it more.

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I didn’t question why you stopped talking to me, not because i didn’t mind, but because I knew why. But I did mind. a lot. We get along so well, and that’s a big deal for me, because most people bug the crap out of me. you bug me very little, and I miss you a lot. You are one of my favorite people ever. I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. I’ve been seeing people who remind me of you, everywhere, and I perk up for a second before I figure out it’s not you. Just because I am in a relationship with someone else doesn’t mean I don’t really truly care about you. I do. just because i’m happy and in love, doesn’t mean my life wouldn’t be better if you were in it. it would.

I was hoping you would do me the honor of being your friend when I got here this year. I know i tortured you complaining about X all summer, and I’m really sorry for that. At that point i didn’t realize how mean that was. I guess because of the nature of our relationship when it first existed I didn’t think you really cared, but i should have known that you are a different person now, because I am too.

I should probably stop here, as I don’t see how this is helpful. I literally couldn’t help pointing out at the store how we don’t hang out because it really bothers me, but I don’t want to beg you or brow-beat you into being my friend. I respect your feelings, and I’m sorry that this didn’t work out, and that we can’t hang anymore. Thank you for messaging me. I’m sure I’ll see you at Hannaford’s soon.

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i just found a valentine from you, and now i feel guilty for being harsh in the letter i wrote you. god i hope you didn’t read it. you really kind of loved me in a way, and i was an asshole maybe. i was young and i thought the fact you liked sports was boring. at the end of the day, you were sweet and loving. i hope i didn’t hurt you in any real way.

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you broke it off last night because i don’t want you to tie me up. it was bound to happen.

but i thought you might just hold off since i’m moving in a month anyway.

i hope it’s really because of that, and not that i accidentally babbled too much about a fucked up situation with an ex. you were just the first loving person who asked me how it went after getting off the plane from seeing him.

7 hours after i met you, i fucked you. how could i not? it was so hot how you pushed me up against the street sign and kissed me. you said we had to leave that coffee shop because you just wanted to touch me. it started raining so you put my bike on the back of your car and drove me to the grocery store. i sort of fell in love with you instantly- but never in a clingy way. you just felt comfortable- like you were already in the family.

i will miss the disgusting combination of chai spice and cigarettes in your mouth. i will miss the way you look me in the eye and tell me loving things, even though we barely know each other.

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