Not less 30 min ago I ended a friendship with a woman that is very special to me. She was genuine, sweet, very supportive and thoughtful. She never misled me, never deceived me, and never took advantage of me. She willingly opened up her home and family to me so that I wouldn’t be alone on Thanksgiving. We shared laughs and good times with each other and never fought. I enjoyed her company, took solace in her friendly affections, and always knew that she would be there for me whenever I needed her. She was a very special girl to me. I will never forget her. I will always miss her.
I met her about a year ago. At that point in my life I had given up on finding a woman that would truly fit what I am looking for. My previous relationship had been nothing more than horrid and the one before that sapped 8 years of my life away. I was satisfied to simply work on my professional life, make friends, get fit, and try to be a good dad to my newborn son. Despite all of the background noise in my life, I was feeling quite good about myself and my future.
The morning I saw her, she took me totally by surprise. I walked into the office and saw her sitting next to my desk talking with my co-worker and my eyes locked onto her. She cocked her head sideways, flashed her chestnut brown bedroom eyes, and beamed a stunning smile as she shook my hand. “Hello, Im X”. I thought to myself “Where the Hell does my boss get these girls from?!”
She was happy, confident, gorgeous, and a friendly free spirit. I was hooked. In the coming days I allowed my attraction to develop and lead the way, pursuing her at every turn. Instead of studying for my boards, I began to find excuses to be at work so that I could spend a little more time with her on the days she came in. Her laugh, her perfume, even a gentle friendly touch was enough to warm me up. I was motivated. I wanted to ask her out.
One Friday afternoon I drummed up the courage by pacing around my apartment like a dog. I sent her a picture of the both of us giving blood (the actual point in time when I knew for sure that I was going to ask her out). I called her up and boldly asked her to join me on a date. Sadly she was not single. She expressed her “old-fashioned” view of not being comfortable dating multiple people, something I found admirable. I was a little bummed, but I was going to be okay with being her friend.
We met up on random occasions for pizza, drinks, etc and discussed everything under the sun. Our willingness to be blatantly open with each other sent our conversations spiraling all over. We seemed to have many peculiar parallels and I began to get a clear picture of who she was. Intelligence, beauty, and a frisky playfulness followed her every move. I appreciated the way she talked, the way she thought, and the way she had chosen to live her life. I began to feel something stirring inside when I looked into her eyes. I began to see that this gorgeous girl fit MUCH of what Im looking for; more than any girl ever had. I actually felt electrical popping and snapping when she smiled at me.
One evening, over drinks, she asked me “Have you ever fallen in Love?” I replied “No, at least not in the way one typically falls in Love”. Inside, I secretly wondered if I might be doing just that. A quote came to my mind: “Your looks caught my eye, but your personality stole my heart”. I brushed it off. After all she wasn’t single and I felt that I may be getting ahead of myself.
This friendly relationship gently escalated to something else, but nothing serious. We held each other dancing to Rolling Stones “Wild Horses” in a small lounge in Park Slope and we somehow hugged each other the whole way back to my car. It felt right and it felt good. “This is nice.” she said. I agreed. It was a memorable night for me and I wanted to kiss her. However, It would be wrong and disrespectful to her. I abstained.
Not too long after this, she became single and I didn’t know what to do. I truly wanted to be with her, but she needed to heal, she needed time to herself and her close friends. She wasn’t going to be ready for anything anytime soon. Im sure she wouldn’t appreciate me hopping around saying “Lets go on a date! Lets go on a date!”, nor did I expect her to rush into my arms like in an old movie. Her heart was going to hemorrhage soon once her reality had sunk in, and I wanted to help her but I also wanted to be with her romantically. I decided to play it all by ear and continue to be a friend. This tactic failed.
Less than a week later we were kissing each other while we swam in Barnagat Bay and sweetly made out in the cabin of my sailboat as a storm rolled in. I hadn’t planned on it but I didn’t stop it either.
In the next few weeks I felt intoxicated with euphoric happiness, and I believed that she was as well. I dismissed the naysayers (including X herself) that warned me about the path we were taking. Since we shared many interests, finding common ground on dates was easy. Things were always easy, as they should be in a good relationship. I found myself getting lost in her eyes and wanting to be a better man for her. She would stare at me at times and give a warm smile. I saw her for who she is, who she was, and who she will become.
I felt an emotional connection taking hold and it was with a woman that I truly appreciated. I wanted to protect that bond, strengthen it, and fortify it. We cuddled, nuzzeled, and began to share some tender intimate moments that both enjoyed. We continued to have deep conversations about philosophy and “the deeper meaning”. I wanted to be hers and her to be mine. Through my years of experience, I could not remember a time where I felt anything like this. However I secretly knew that things were moving quite fast (light speed really) and I began to worry…and so did she.
Suddenly things began to get a little cool and distant. She was regularly unavailable. Her voice subtly changed on the phone and lacked the energy it used to. I sensed she was losing interest and slipping away. I wondered what I had done. What had happened that I wasn’t aware of? Soon thereafter, I started hearing “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, “you can see other people, just don’t tell me about it”, and finally “I think its best if we were just friends.”
I was truly devastated, but I had expected this in my heart of hearts and saw the writing on the wall. It would be difficult, but choosing to be friends seemed mature and I didn’t want to mess with her emotions any more than her recent breakup already had. I had been in similar situations and behaved accordingly. I knew I would miss holding her in my arms but I was happy that we were going to be friends. On the surface, I felt confident that I could move on, but my intuition knew otherwise. I tried to look past it.
During the next few months, I began to realize that things weren’t working out as I had hoped. It took great efforts to ignore the nagging feelings inside that I truly wanted to act on. I stuffed away any lingering emotion as best as I could. All during this time, she made no insinuations or inferences that she saw me as anything more than a friend. In fact, she often took efforts to remind me of my “good friend” status. I worked myself into being the most supportive, caring, loving, loyal friend that I could be for her.
Unbeknownst to me, this friendship had become an avenue to express how I truly felt deep inside, albeit in a limited way.
Eventually, this came at a price. A chaotic broth of confusion, anxiety, elation, sadness, and even jealousy and resentment all began to brew inside. This wasn’t me and I knew that these emotions had no place. They were all irrational selfish emotions that stemmed from my inability to act on my deep affections for this girl, but I seemed powerless. I worked out, I focused on work and my relationship with my son, I made new friends, I joined a soccer team, I learned a new song, I traveled, I flirted, I partied. Nothing would quench it. She was always haunting my mind. I would routinely wake up at 4am every night and my mind would gradually drift to thoughts of her. This continued on for months…
I wanted a second chance. People always get second chances. Although, I knew that she would instantly reject me. Her eyes had told me on several occasions that her heart had moved on. A second chance was never in the cards for me, if I deserved it or not. However, I also knew that I couldn’t continue down this pseudo friendship path any longer. It was unhealthy for me and unhealthy for our friendship if there ever was to be any real friendship.
To her I was just a friend and nothing more. To me she was much more. I began to see through the fog. I was using a friendship as means for a beginning and she was using a friendship as a means to an end. Something had to give. I knew this is going to hurt us both, but I had to terminate it.
You are such a special girl to me X and you always will be. You are absolutely worth fighting for and deserve to be treated like an amazing woman by all men. It makes me sad that I cannot be there for you to celebrate your successes and comfort you during hard times. I am also sad that I cannot hold you like a man wants to hold a woman.
Sharing happiness with you was always a high priority for me during our time together. Thus, ending this relationship makes me feel sick and empty inside. I never could imagine that I would be in such a state that I would be forced to do something like this. It goes against so much of who I am and what I believe about friendship, loyalty, and love. I know this has hurt you just as much as I, maybe even more. I know you are probably confused and maybe even a bit angry. I hope that you can forgive me for this and that someday we can re-unite. I hope that you will always be in my life as you once said, and I hope that someday you find what you are looking for.
I wish you, your family, and your friends the best of everything. Despite how this letter may sound, I am so very grateful and fortunate that you entered my life. Your smiles, companionship, support, and affections (friendly and otherwise) have given me great joy and lifted my spirits like no other woman has. I am going to miss you so much X.
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