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Posts Tagged ‘sorry’

You and I are soul mates. I am angry at you for telling me to depend on you and running when I did. I am angry that the last thing you said to me was “You are amazing and I am sorry if I did anything to make you feel otherwise.” IF? IF? How about two years of not loving me back–of not ever opening yourself to me, often empty promises of trips we never took or things that never happened, taking me for granted, or the hot and cold and constant back and forth–or for not even allowing me to love you the way I wanted…or at all.

You won.

You did it.

You took a great relationship and sabotaged it to nothing. Just pain. I am not even sure you feel pain. Do you feel at all?

You pushed me away. I finally give up on you–us.

But not on me.

One day you will miss me. You will wish you had been brave. You will miss the sound of our laughter. Our jokes. Our noses rubbing after sex. The incredible open sexual side of us. The late night talks. The cheerleader I was for you as a father, a man, a worker, and a lover. You will miss me. I hope I haunt your heart for years–

You hurt me, you knew you were hurting me, and I had to walk away. . .

I feel different this time. I don’t want you anymore. I feel more pain that you didnt love me back than anything else. I am surely worth loving. Our love just sat there and you ignored it. Didn’t take care of it. Let it grow. You never even picked it up to accept it. And that I will never forgive you for. Since you never “tried” to “be good to me as you wanted to be” it never had a chance.

We deserved a chance.

I will forget you. Your touch. Your smile. Your voice on the phone at night. Your “hey babe” messages. Your scent. The feeling of you with me as one. I will lose it all over time.

And I wont look back. . . even if you appear. I am done. Done loving you. I love myself too much to try to love you for one more day.

But I do do miss you.

SP

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Not less 30 min ago I ended a friendship with a woman that is very special to me. She was genuine, sweet, very supportive and thoughtful. She never misled me, never deceived me, and never took advantage of me. She willingly opened up her home and family to me so that I wouldn’t be alone on Thanksgiving. We shared laughs and good times with each other and never fought. I enjoyed her company, took solace in her friendly affections, and always knew that she would be there for me whenever I needed her. She was a very special girl to me. I will never forget her. I will always miss her.

I met her about a year ago. At that point in my life I had given up on finding a woman that would truly fit what I am looking for. My previous relationship had been nothing more than horrid and the one before that sapped 8 years of my life away. I was satisfied to simply work on my professional life, make friends, get fit, and try to be a good dad to my newborn son. Despite all of the background noise in my life, I was feeling quite good about myself and my future.

The morning I saw her, she took me totally by surprise. I walked into the office and saw her sitting next to my desk talking with my co-worker and my eyes locked onto her. She cocked her head sideways, flashed her chestnut brown bedroom eyes, and beamed a stunning smile as she shook my hand. “Hello, Im X”. I thought to myself “Where the Hell does my boss get these girls from?!”

She was happy, confident, gorgeous, and a friendly free spirit. I was hooked. In the coming days I allowed my attraction to develop and lead the way, pursuing her at every turn. Instead of studying for my boards, I began to find excuses to be at work so that I could spend a little more time with her on the days she came in. Her laugh, her perfume, even a gentle friendly touch was enough to warm me up. I was motivated. I wanted to ask her out.

One Friday afternoon I drummed up the courage by pacing around my apartment like a dog. I sent her a picture of the both of us giving blood (the actual point in time when I knew for sure that I was going to ask her out). I called her up and boldly asked her to join me on a date. Sadly she was not single. She expressed her “old-fashioned” view of not being comfortable dating multiple people, something I found admirable. I was a little bummed, but I was going to be okay with being her friend.

We met up on random occasions for pizza, drinks, etc and discussed everything under the sun. Our willingness to be blatantly open with each other sent our conversations spiraling all over. We seemed to have many peculiar parallels and I began to get a clear picture of who she was. Intelligence, beauty, and a frisky playfulness followed her every move. I appreciated the way she talked, the way she thought, and the way she had chosen to live her life. I began to feel something stirring inside when I looked into her eyes. I began to see that this gorgeous girl fit MUCH of what Im looking for; more than any girl ever had. I actually felt electrical popping and snapping when she smiled at me.

One evening, over drinks, she asked me “Have you ever fallen in Love?” I replied “No, at least not in the way one typically falls in Love”. Inside, I secretly wondered if I might be doing just that. A quote came to my mind: “Your looks caught my eye, but your personality stole my heart”. I brushed it off. After all she wasn’t single and I felt that I may be getting ahead of myself.

This friendly relationship gently escalated to something else, but nothing serious. We held each other dancing to Rolling Stones “Wild Horses” in a small lounge in Park Slope and we somehow hugged each other the whole way back to my car. It felt right and it felt good. “This is nice.” she said. I agreed. It was a memorable night for me and I wanted to kiss her. However, It would be wrong and disrespectful to her. I abstained.

Not too long after this, she became single and I didn’t know what to do. I truly wanted to be with her, but she needed to heal, she needed time to herself and her close friends. She wasn’t going to be ready for anything anytime soon. Im sure she wouldn’t appreciate me hopping around saying “Lets go on a date! Lets go on a date!”, nor did I expect her to rush into my arms like in an old movie. Her heart was going to hemorrhage soon once her reality had sunk in, and I wanted to help her but I also wanted to be with her romantically. I decided to play it all by ear and continue to be a friend. This tactic failed.

Less than a week later we were kissing each other while we swam in Barnagat Bay and sweetly made out in the cabin of my sailboat as a storm rolled in. I hadn’t planned on it but I didn’t stop it either.

In the next few weeks I felt intoxicated with euphoric happiness, and I believed that she was as well. I dismissed the naysayers (including X herself) that warned me about the path we were taking. Since we shared many interests, finding common ground on dates was easy. Things were always easy, as they should be in a good relationship. I found myself getting lost in her eyes and wanting to be a better man for her. She would stare at me at times and give a warm smile. I saw her for who she is, who she was, and who she will become.

I felt an emotional connection taking hold and it was with a woman that I truly appreciated. I wanted to protect that bond, strengthen it, and fortify it. We cuddled, nuzzeled, and began to share some tender intimate moments that both enjoyed. We continued to have deep conversations about philosophy and “the deeper meaning”. I wanted to be hers and her to be mine. Through my years of experience, I could not remember a time where I felt anything like this. However I secretly knew that things were moving quite fast (light speed really) and I began to worry…and so did she.

Suddenly things began to get a little cool and distant. She was regularly unavailable. Her voice subtly changed on the phone and lacked the energy it used to. I sensed she was losing interest and slipping away. I wondered what I had done. What had happened that I wasn’t aware of? Soon thereafter, I started hearing “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, “you can see other people, just don’t tell me about it”, and finally “I think its best if we were just friends.”

I was truly devastated, but I had expected this in my heart of hearts and saw the writing on the wall. It would be difficult, but choosing to be friends seemed mature and I didn’t want to mess with her emotions any more than her recent breakup already had. I had been in similar situations and behaved accordingly. I knew I would miss holding her in my arms but I was happy that we were going to be friends. On the surface, I felt confident that I could move on, but my intuition knew otherwise. I tried to look past it.

During the next few months, I began to realize that things weren’t working out as I had hoped. It took great efforts to ignore the nagging feelings inside that I truly wanted to act on. I stuffed away any lingering emotion as best as I could. All during this time, she made no insinuations or inferences that she saw me as anything more than a friend. In fact, she often took efforts to remind me of my “good friend” status. I worked myself into being the most supportive, caring, loving, loyal friend that I could be for her.

Unbeknownst to me, this friendship had become an avenue to express how I truly felt deep inside, albeit in a limited way.

Eventually, this came at a price. A chaotic broth of confusion, anxiety, elation, sadness, and even jealousy and resentment all began to brew inside. This wasn’t me and I knew that these emotions had no place. They were all irrational selfish emotions that stemmed from my inability to act on my deep affections for this girl, but I seemed powerless. I worked out, I focused on work and my relationship with my son, I made new friends, I joined a soccer team, I learned a new song, I traveled, I flirted, I partied. Nothing would quench it. She was always haunting my mind. I would routinely wake up at 4am every night and my mind would gradually drift to thoughts of her. This continued on for months…

I wanted a second chance. People always get second chances. Although, I knew that she would instantly reject me. Her eyes had told me on several occasions that her heart had moved on. A second chance was never in the cards for me, if I deserved it or not. However, I also knew that I couldn’t continue down this pseudo friendship path any longer. It was unhealthy for me and unhealthy for our friendship if there ever was to be any real friendship.

To her I was just a friend and nothing more. To me she was much more. I began to see through the fog. I was using a friendship as means for a beginning and she was using a friendship as a means to an end. Something had to give. I knew this is going to hurt us both, but I had to terminate it.

You are such a special girl to me X and you always will be. You are absolutely worth fighting for and deserve to be treated like an amazing woman by all men. It makes me sad that I cannot be there for you to celebrate your successes and comfort you during hard times. I am also sad that I cannot hold you like a man wants to hold a woman.

Sharing happiness with you was always a high priority for me during our time together. Thus, ending this relationship makes me feel sick and empty inside. I never could imagine that I would be in such a state that I would be forced to do something like this. It goes against so much of who I am and what I believe about friendship, loyalty, and love. I know this has hurt you just as much as I, maybe even more. I know you are probably confused and maybe even a bit angry. I hope that you can forgive me for this and that someday we can re-unite. I hope that you will always be in my life as you once said, and I hope that someday you find what you are looking for.

I wish you, your family, and your friends the best of everything. Despite how this letter may sound, I am so very grateful and fortunate that you entered my life. Your smiles, companionship, support, and affections (friendly and otherwise) have given me great joy and lifted my spirits like no other woman has. I am going to miss you so much X.

Love,

X

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I miss you so much.. How can i carry on living without you by my side.. Im finding it so difficult to get by. Life is not worth living when the one you love the most is not by your side. If in your heart you can find that you can forgive me one day i will be so happy, i never meant to hurt you, it hurts me to hurt you.. I love you so much words cannot describe, you mean everything to me, you mean the world, your my heart, soul and rock. Ive never lied or cheated on you. It was an understatement how our love were.. Im sorry for telling people what ive told, i shouldve kept it to myself.. I just want you back in my arms.. I miss your adorable smile and your mesmerising eyes. I just wanna hold you, please take me back, please forgive me and give me another chance. I will do anything for you to take me back. I love you with all my heart babes… Xxx

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You are love and sunshine and happiness. You made me feel better when I was desperately sad. You made me know it was okay to be sad.

You loved me despite everything. You bound through the world with so much love and energy, no one knows quite how to contain or handle you.

And they shouldn’t.

It’s kind of hilarious and amazing when you overwhelm people with it. Just with your being you.

You loved me for a year when I only loved you like a friend. I had a boyfriend and didn’t want you to love me like that. You slowly and subtly wooed me.
Partly singing that song at the top of your lungs jogging, in the car, on the street, at the grocery store. You made me feel everything. The good and the bad.

I grew to love you when you broke your arm. Because you needed something from me. You needed to be loved and taken care of. Your toughness couldn’t shield you.

I didn’t know exactly how to transition into being romantically and sexually involved with you. But I trusted and loved you. It quickly became fun and easy and it made me laugh that you liked those 90’s panties with the bikini straps because your girlfriend in high school worked at a fancy lingerie store so you associated sexiness with 90’s panties.

Those are the things that I love about life. The love. The associations. The craziness of it all.

I want you to know that I don’t regret a second of it. I want you to know that you are loved and I am sorry it is so hard. I want you to love yourself the way that you love other people. I want you to take care of yourself and have everything in the world that you need and want. I want you to feel everything, the good and the bad, and know it is okay. I want you to know that if I could be there for you right now, I would.

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I adore you. I think it all the time but I realized I hadn’t told you.

I was an asshole Saturday night. Very unhealthy. Several layers of unhealthiness piled up and I broke down.

I promised myself last week I would get good sleep every night for a week because I could feel myself starting to crack. And exercise. I didn’t. Instead I let you come over and stayed up late with you. Then I went out drinking and stayed out late with my friend. That was all my responsibility.

I also let my anti-depressant medication lapse and didn’t refill the prescription fast enough. I went too long without it – 10 days. Withdrawal took a toll.

I know how to take care of myself. But I have gotten swept up in being with you and in your projects. This wasn’t your fault. I made those choices.

My communication with you became really disrespectful and bad. My feeling invisible goes back to old old childhood things that crack through when I am tired and drained and not taking care of myself. And I lashed out.

This is part of who I am. It is not all of who I am. And I am always trying to be healthy. And to learn how to be even more healthy.

I truly apologize. These are the true, embarrassing true things that were going on with me last week and last Saturday night that I was too embarrassed to include in my last apology. I wanted to be good and strong for you. That was my intention. But I didn’t take good enough care of myself to be able to be strong and healthy with you.

I miss you badly. I am available to listen if you want to talk. And I understand and respect if you don’t.

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You were my best friend’s brother. You were one grade ahead of me. We went to a dance together. I sort of thought it was as a friend? Afterwards we went back to my house and watched a movie with our buddies. Under the blanket, you put your hand on my ass. I ran into the next room with my girlfriend to have a quick conference on the matter. Was my best friend’s brother trying to hit on me? How did I feel about that? What should I do?! I think you asked me out, but I’m not sure. We probably went to a basketball game together. High School. Bleachers. You know. You were fun and hilarious. I had known you for years. Obviously you were a good person. When I called your house, I would get confused and anxious about who I was supposed to be calling to talk to. I don’t think we ever actually went on a date. Or did anything. It couldn’t possibly qualify as dating, because I broke up with you in a note. Oh god. I am so sorry. Horrible. That is the absolute worst. I wish I could take the break-up method back, but it was so much less stressful once it was all over. You can’t really date your best friend’s older brother. You started dating a really good friend of mine soon after. You are perfect together and married now. High school is the most awkward ever. I’m glad it all worked out as smoothly as it did, despite the note incident.

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You make me feel like I am drowning. Or suffocating. Or having one of those extreme allergic reactions when your throat is closing in around itself.
You used to love me freely and make me feel loved and protected, but also fluid. Just because I am going to college doesn’t mean you have to clamp down, trap me, or tether me somehow to you.

College is far away. College has lots of people I want to meet. College is supposed to open my eyes and show me new things. How can I do all that while feeling like you are constantly grasping at me?

We could keep it light and I would continue to love you. Or you could make it serious and drive me away from you. This is your choice and I can’t force you to make the right decision, but I am here to tell you that the harder you grip the harder I will struggle against you. I can’t be your everything suddenly now because you are afraid. Your fear of losing me will bring our destruction.

Please don’t do anything crazy like show up at my dorm unannounced. I will have no choice but to close the door on you forever.

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