#13
You always wanted me to write you a letter, but I couldn’t do it.
You are the friend of a dear childhood friend. But I didn’t meet you that way. It was a coincidence. You came to my boyfriends house to for the first round of interviews for a job I was applying for. You were tall and thin and excitable. I could tell even then that despite your exhaustion in that moment, you were filled with electricity. When I found out you were friends with someone I trusted so well, I implicitly trusted you more easily. You napped on my boyfriends couch after our interview. I gave you a snack of carrots and hummus. I took the job eventually and you and I became friends.
Our work situation was super intense, and it created a storm of intensity between us that I can still honestly say I have never felt with anyone else. I wanted to remain friends and you wanted more, but I was terrified of losing you as someone I could lean on (which of course ended up being true). You say you fell in love with me when we painted our rooms together. Mine bright orange. Yours bright blue. We got lazy towards the end of yours. Soon after, you stuck a piece of chewed gum to the wall next to my bed and pulled off a chunk of paint. I realized how I felt about you when I spent two days away from you. I couldn’t believe our friendship was so close that I noticed you were gone after such a short separation.
You were loud and exciting and loving. You feel things with such a bigness that it spills over into everything and everyone around you. In a lot of ways, it was exactly what I needed in that moment.
We traveled, we laughed, we sang, we danced. I trusted you. And you were only the third boy I ever had sex with. I think I learned a lot from you, but mostly in the abstract how I relate to my sexuality way, not in the way your first boyfriend teaches you about sex.
For reasons unrelated to you or our relationship, I got depressed and it soon became too much to handle, completely tearing our relationship apart.
I realized yesterday that years have gone by since we broke up. It seems so far away, yet not that long ago. I am glad that you are happy now and not under pressure to deal with me. I reread an email you sent me when we were breaking up and it amazes me that while you hated me so much you also loved me beyond logical measure. Things are calmer now that you aren’t in my life, but there is something to be said for the untethered emotion you live your life with.
I hope that even if you feel negative things about me you know that I only reflect mostly on the love and goodness we shared, not the things that were so damaging. You truly are a good one, despite my overusage of that phrase. I hope all the goodness in the world for you buddy.
Like this:
Like Loading...
Read Full Post »