This week sucked. Everything just went weird and wrong. And then you broke up with me over the phone. And you were only my friend! I know you are a crazy basket-case in intensive therapy. But you are a fun crazy basket-case. And all that therapy knowledge that you’ve paid for is there, in your brain, free for my perusal. And you like to give unsolicited advice: yay-bonus! You said so many perceptive things about me right off the bat. I loved that you just got me, without me having to explain. I don’t know if that had to do with you seeing me through a camera lens. You said it was fun hanging out me with because it was exciting to see what parts of me I was going to choose to put out into the world. You said I wasn’t as scattered as I portray myself. I don’t know how in love with me you are, but you shouldn’t have fallen even a little bit in love with me. You knew about my boyfriend from pretty much the beginning. I blame you for allowing yourself to go there. And it is frustrating that, while you understood me so well, you misunderstood that.
It is especially frustrating because this misunderstanding always happens to me. So I should probably take the blame myself. I mean, I know I’m kind of the awesomest, but can I really be blamed for something that is just a fact? Maybe I’ll say it was just bad luck; bad timing. You saw my boyfriend on a bad day and we all felt awkward and I never got to apologize or explain. Also, the way you pose like a bitchy little gay bff makes me act like a bitchy little mean girl, so you never got to hear nice things about him. But i didn’t exactly say bad things either, i just laughed things off that you took seriously. For example, yes, he was a teensy bit jealous of our time together, but not in a violent or bad way, just a normal way. And I never felt i could clear anything up by explaining anyway, because you are so perceptive (or think you are) so you have your own opinions no matter what. I didn’t try to explain over the phone because I was stunned. I tried to explain a little over text, but you response was just what I expected – your opinions could not be swayed.
I think i sometimes like to complain to my friends about the bad stuff my boyfriend does because I don’t want people to know how great our little love nest is. I think people may try to force their way in and stomp on it. It feels so fragile sometimes. But seriously, let’s clear it up right now that I am in no way in an abusive relationship. I, like, totally swear. And I really need to figure out how to stop giving off that vibe. It’s always hard to understand other people’s relationships. I certainly don’t pass judgement in the hopes that people will butt the fuck out of my business.
Anyhoo, my point is, I don’t want to add extra stress to your life and all, cuz, as I mentioned, you really are a basket-case and have enough to deal with from that. It was a great two weeks of palling around, but when you had to spend a whole hour talking to your therapist about our relationship that’s really not something I want to be the cause of. I’m a nice person. I think you are a nice person too, because you are always talking about how you used to be a really bad person, so that implies change. You told me not to take it personally, so I won’t.
And besides, we live in a fucking small town (where no one butts the fuck out of your business) so I’m sure to run into you. And you will pretend everything is fine. Like you didn’t stop hanging out with me because you wanted it to be you fucking me instead of him. Because you act like a fake bitchy little gay boy and can come up with a response to anything, even if it throws you. Can’t wait. I’m pretty great at being frenemies too, since no one wants to be my friend.
Yeesh, that came out all bitchy. I guess you really do bring that out in me. I’m really not mad. I’m sure it’s better this way. You made my brain buzz all frantic when I was with you, and I’m not sure I liked that. Now, even thinking about you, my brain is aflutter. The point is, it’s just silly that guys can’t be my friend. It’s the whole ‘when harry met sally’ debate over and over again. Except not. Because you root for Harry to get Sally in the end of the movie, and I want Harry and Sally to just stay bff’s in real life. No sex. No complications. No one person caring more than the other or jealousy. Just a caring relationship that allows room for other caring relationships that will last. I don’t necessarily need to believe in true love, but I need to believe in this. And don’t you dare tell me ‘well maybe that is true love…?’ because I will throw up on you. I, like, totally swear.