I have been so wanting sex lately and so disliking men. Their hard-on’s, their hard emotional edges, their rough skin. Last date I had the guy smelled icky and was so unaware of his body that he kept bumping into me and even stepped on my feet. Another one went on one date with me, told our friends he thought I was hot, and then acted like I didn’t exist next time we ran into each other. huh? Last guy I had sex with I had to have a big negotiation to get him to wear a condom every time we had sex. Lame. And scary. So I’ve been celibate for a bunch of months, with my sensuality and sexuality simmering under the surface.
A bunch of years ago I went out with friends bar-hopping and getting wasted on New Year’s Eve. Midway through, I started talking to some random woman and we were both wasted and giggling and laughing about girl things. My friend’s friend started hitting on me and I wasn’t into him so I moved from the bar to the restroom line to avoid him. The random woman came along too. We sat together on a bench and started casually making out. Sorry to be cliche but her lips and everything about her was so soft. It was so easy and effortless to start making out with her. I didn’t feel pressure to do more or even feel embarrassed or self-conscious. Just softness. Everywhere.
This year this holiday week I think I feel too fragile to have sex. I don’t know if I feel like having sex with a man. But I know I want to go out and get wasted and feel free and let my sensuality and sexuality out without feeling scared about it. This New Year’s, maybe I wanna kiss a girl again.
Letters for Loves 