B: perhaps it’s time to start online dating girls. all the boys suck.
S: ha…YES. the girls are always good. did you ever email the first two i sent you? they were good ones. the cute one. and the hippie one.
B: they bore me with their inane “uniqueness” and “spontaneity” and “love of good wine.”
S: LAME-O!! did you go out w. another one this week?
B: no, i haven’t yet. too bored.
S: ha. have you heard back from bike boy?
B: no, none. i can’t deal. i need to meet people in person. online is too much. and then there are all kinds of other mildly interesting but basically non-kissable boys out there who message me.
S: right! SO many!!
B: it’s like, “if you were a friend of a friend and we’d hung out a bunch and you were in my bed i might shut my eyes and kiss you and let you give me an OPTHJ* but nothing else” but that’s not happening because instead you are only online dating me. which is even less exciting. that’s what i say to these boys. but they just keep on messaging me.
S: HAHAHAH you are killing me
S: i love you b. you should just give random boys OTPHJs whenever
B: no, i want one. i’m not going to give THEM one.
S: hahahahaah. shooooooot
B: no, i would. if they were cute enough. none of the boys i’ve online dated.
Maybe bike boy if I was bored.
S: yes. he should call you
B: right. but he bores me. it’s not like i pine for him. he just wasn’t quite as bad as the rest.
S: hahaha. not like you dwell in darkness without him.
B: right. i would take off his pants. but not dwell in darkness without him.
S: course not
B: anything new and exciting on your OKC?
S: NO! nothing!! i tried to update my profile to tell the truth. that was dumb. so i need to end that
B: ha! what happened?
S: i said “i’ll fuck you but you have to woo me first.” and that was not smart!
B: here’s my new profile:
i don’t dwell in darkness without you. i just want to take off your pants. where have you been all my life?
S: YES. But that may attract some sketchy people.
B: no, actually, it’s “keep your pants on you boring nerdy self righteous unique sensitive guy.”
B: it’s too much. the boy with bunny ears.
too many men with large flabby pale arms. bad noses, and thick glasses. i can’t wait to return to the land of low IQ. I am so sick of intellectuals who have nothing to say and have no street smarts.
S: right. who do they think they are? jeeezzzz. ok love i’ve gotta get running. i hate to leave this amazing conversation
B: okay, have a good evening. see you soon. xo
me: ok. xoxo
*OTPHJ = Over The Pants Hand Job
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