lovely

Lovely,

You are FAR too : bright, culturally-sophisticated, saucy, attractive, stylin’, ferociously literate, salacious, wonderfully entertaining, spunky, deliciously curvaceous, smoochable, terrifically sexy, scintillating, seductive, thoroughly vivacious, and completely beguiling, to be on this, or ANY dating site !!!!!!!

Impressed, Appreciative.

P.S. You really do have a terrific smile, THE : largest, brownest, loveliest, eyes imaginable, and that scrumptiously voluptuous figure : )

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why online dating sucks

What?

“hi, I think I should be pretty honest about the type of person I am and the type of person I’m looking for. I’m mainly looking for a top/dom type of woman for a “bend-over boyfriend” kind of relationship. NSA at first and then see where it goes from there. This may be a bit too much info right from the start but I think I should say it, just in case you’re not into that at all (which is totally understandable) and thereby save each other some time and effort. That said, I think you’re very pretty and very very interesting from what I’ve read on your profile and I’d definitely like to talk with you some more.”

What? gag me.

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Dear Online Dater.

Dear Online Dater:
No, you cannot get a look at those cute little tits.
No, I will not fuck you while your wife lives abroad.
No, I won’t just give you my phone number and just see what happens.
No, you can’t have a photo of me with a little less clothes on.
No, I do not want to online chat with you having never exchanged a single email.

Have a little tact there buddy. It will take you far.

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Online Dating #1

B: perhaps it’s time to start online dating girls. all the boys suck.

S: ha…YES. the girls are always good. did you ever email the first two i sent you? they were good ones. the cute one. and the hippie one.

B: they bore me with their inane “uniqueness” and “spontaneity” and “love of good wine.”

S: LAME-O!! did you go out w. another one this week?

B: no, i haven’t yet. too bored.

S: ha. have you heard back from bike boy?

B: no, none. i can’t deal. i need to meet people in person. online is too much. and then there are all kinds of other mildly interesting but basically non-kissable boys out there who message me.

S: right! SO many!!

B: it’s like, “if you were a friend of a friend and we’d hung out a bunch and you were in my bed i might shut my eyes and kiss you and let you give me an OPTHJ* but nothing else” but that’s not happening because instead you are only online dating me. which is even less exciting. that’s what i say to these boys. but they just keep on messaging me.

S: HAHAHAH you are killing me

B: haha.

S: i love you b. you should just give random boys OTPHJs whenever

B: no, i want one. i’m not going to give THEM one.

S: hahahahaah. shooooooot

B: no, i would. if they were cute enough. none of the boys i’ve online dated.
Maybe bike boy if I was bored.

S: yes. he should call you

B: right. but he bores me. it’s not like i pine for him. he just wasn’t quite as bad as the rest.

S: hahaha. not like you dwell in darkness without him.

B: right. i would take off his pants. but not dwell in darkness without him.

S: course not

B: anything new and exciting on your OKC?

S: NO! nothing!! i tried to update my profile to tell the truth. that was dumb. so i need to end that

B: ha! what happened?

S: i said “i’ll fuck you but you have to woo me first.” and that was not smart!

B: here’s my new profile:
i don’t dwell in darkness without you. i just want to take off your pants. where have you been all my life?

S: YES. But that may attract some sketchy people.

B: no, actually, it’s “keep your pants on you boring nerdy self righteous unique sensitive guy.”

S: hahaha.

B: it’s too much. the boy with bunny ears.
too many men with large flabby pale arms. bad noses, and thick glasses. i can’t wait to return to the land of low IQ. I am so sick of intellectuals who have nothing to say and have no street smarts.

S: right. who do they think they are? jeeezzzz. ok love i’ve gotta get running. i hate to leave this amazing conversation

B: okay, have a good evening. see you soon. xo

me: ok. xoxo

*OTPHJ = Over The Pants Hand Job

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