Box

Last night someone told me our love story was beautiful and sweet. Too bad its demise was tragic. I know you don’t see what I see, but what I felt was felt because of what you put out there. Your touch was gentle, your soul was kind, your eyes twinkled. The way you touched me, held me kissed me. You said you saw the baby bear in the sky, I asked where all of his/her family members were you said poppa bear and momma bear were right here. It was so sweet. The eskimo kisses, the intertwining of bodies, the way you held my hand and kissed my cheek, and bit my nose, ears and toes. Now you’re gone. I sent your life back to you, and all I got was a “thanks a bunch, I got the box”. Funny, I wasn’t sure how we would ever end, I hoped we never would, I never thought the last thing you would say to me was “thanks a bunch, I got the box”. I won’t text or email you, I have nothing to say. I told you I loved you, and you walked away. the next shot is yours to take, i’ll be waiting.

Triggers

It’s been almost ten years since we first met. In ten years I’ve forgotten so much of the everyday things I’ve done. When I move house and find little momentos of these things I’m amazed by how much can lay dormant in my brain awaiting a little trigger.

I still remember that night we met, and so many little things from that night act as triggers. Cranberry Juice. A red beret. Town Hall steps. The buzz of the air in springtime at dusk.

The way you danced, the cheeky smile and the natural groove. I could see you knew how to find the rhythm in the music and match it to your body’s way.

When I see a girl dancing for attention, scripted by the latest filmclip and seeming all out is sync, I think of you. I think of how natural and vital you were and I see my girlfriend at the time trying to dance away her sadness. I tried the best I could to hide the effect you’d had on me, but she knew. She could see the change in my face.

From that night everything about you echoes through my day. The passion for social change and the care of others. The way you can step in with both feet. Your concern with your weight and my insensitive comments. I couldn’t understand your worry because you are perfect to me.

We had times together that will always stay with me, even if I get old timers and can’t remember my name, I’ll remember them.

The night you came back to kiss me.

I couldn’t because I knew how much he loved you too.

I couldn’t because I didn’t think I could be what you deserved.

I should’ve, but I wasn’t brave enough to jump with both feet.

Now you live in a place I’d love to be. On the other side of the world. Where my sister found and lost her true love.

I remember thinking that when all the busy years had flown, we’d find eachother again. I thought that in time the poles would flip. We’ll fit together in cuddles and my mind will no longer be dormant.

Dance Buddies

I saw you come into the bar and give the bouncer the hugest hug. I love it when men are affectionate with each other, so I noticed you instantly. You had scruff and a flannel shirt and the best dance moves. I was watching you, but we never spoke or danced together.

Apparently you noticed me noticing you. You told me later that’s why you asked for my number.

We texted a bunch here and there but never got around to hanging out until months later.

We finally went out for an epically long date, though I wasn’t sure it was a date the entire time. You are witty and fun and we got along, despite the fact you are super religious.

We awkwardly half kissed goodbye in a pretty non-sexual way. I’ve been told so many times that I come on too strong, so I was sort of letting you take the lead in this situation. I assumed you wouldn’t contact me ever again.

But two weeks later, we hung out again. I went to your house and we had relatively awkward sex. Certainly not the worst, but not the best either.

And that was it. I think if I texted you, you would politely invite me to go out dancing. But I think if I didn’t text you, I’d never hear from you again.

I cannot figure out what just happened, even a little.

Maybe you just aren’t that into me.

But we seemed to get along, and you kept pursuing me. The next day you told me it was fun and we vaguely referred to future hang out times. I feel like if you just wanted to hook up, you would have approached it differently.

It makes me inclined to think that maybe you just aren’t that into ladies.

But maybe that’s just because I’m used to boys who are feminists.

Maybe you think I’m too fat.

You are really into working out.

Maybe it’s that we became facebook friends and now you think I’m whorish.

But probably you just aren’t that into me.

For what it’s worth, I’d totally hang out with you more if you wanted to figure it out.

Or we could just become dance buddies, which I suspect is what you wanted all along.

Sober

We were roommates. You are my favorite person to snuggle with in the entire world. I loved coming home from work at 2am and you’d be on the couch watching infomercials or PBS and I’d just curl up next to you on the couch for a good snuggle. Perfection.

There has never been anything between us.

You came to town and needed a place to stay. Naturally you could just sleep in my bed. I had work in the morning, you went out. I gave you the keys. You came home at 4am.

You took off all your clothes, wet with rain from the bike ride home, and left them outside my door. You got in my bed saying you were fucked up on coke & super drunk. You half slept and half chatted with me until you sleepily started making out with me.

I know you didn’t want to cheat, so I wanted to protect you from yourself. I know we would never date.

But the thing is, I would totally make out with you. Why not? It wouldn’t ruin anything and we wouldn’t fall for each other.

I couldn’t let you decide that drunk, so I told you I had to go to work and you fell asleep.

I really wonder if you remember. We will never discuss it. I hope you don’t feel rejected, because in that sense, I would never reject you. I would do you dead sober.

Connection

I have no idea how you spun your web and tangled me yet again, though this time is quite different. I have been telling you for 3 weeks when my birthday was, we spoke all night Thursday you seemed pretty clear that you understood this was my birthday weekend, when I called you Friday, you were so unsure we cancelled. I was furious at you….you always have a way to make it all better, but do you really?

You make promises but never keep them actions speak louder than words, and your promises mean nothing. You think I am in love with you, guess what I am. You told me you really wanted to see me, that if I came to you, you could guarantee I had a perfect birthday, well my birthday was far from perfect but it was great without you.

You have broken my heart in so many ways. When I told you if you did not show on Saturday for my birthday I was never speaking to you again, then you gave me some sob story and said you would make it up to me, and that you really wanted to see me, and you really liked me, but this just was not a good time for you.

We have not seen each other in 7 months, we live 8 hours away from each other, we are worlds apart, so why am I still hanging on? Why are you? When I send you your stuff back, it’s because I will no longer need a reminder of you, I will never love anyone the way i loved you, you have this piece of my heart that you will have forever. Why would you ask me why I would love someone like you. You are the most sensitive man, when I say things that are mean you fuse them in the sweetest way. I was about to tell you I hated you so much and I am glad I didn’t. I liked that you took a break from our argument and came back an hour later, you knew how mad I was at you.

Now I am worried you will never speak to me again, so I text you again last night to tell you I forgive you, and still want to be your friend and maybe I over react but you bring out all my wildest emotions and you have so much control over them. You always say the right things, I know you are honest with me. Someone told me sometimes even people in love cannot be together and I just cannot compute that yet. One day I will see it, not just because of our vast age difference I will understand- that you may love someone, and not be able to be with them.

When I was your age I went back and fourth with a relationship for 7 years, I cannot do that now, I know what love is, and I love you with my whole heart. Even though we are so different, i love that the most. our differences are what make me love you more than you will ever know. I just feel this connection to you.

Mamita

As you know i couldn’t talk to you on Tuesday afternoon. It was not possible to reach you at home, one of your daughters answered the phone saying she went to the hot tub. And later she said, my mom is not longer living here. She lives at her husbands house.

I felt myself extremely sad, I cried, it made me feel miserable it was all i could do to keep myself under control. If I were to let myself go, i would have cried more than you did in the office Mamita… I’m waiting for the day when i can touch your soft hands, your forehead, take my hands and hold me against you very quietly to say you are the lady of my dreams. My dreams are always a way for me to enjoy you. That’s when I believe you exist for me. I hope i can bring you the kind of joy you give me in every dream.

Mamita your beauty and the truth of my feelings for you are enough to sustain me for a lifetime, Mamita your smile, like sunshine in a darkened room. I was thinking about you all day at work yesterday, i missed you a lot. I can see your sweet beautiful face in a dim light. There is soft music in the dining room, and the aroma of the unique flower in my life named Mamita. There is only one in this world who could ever mean as much to me as you do. I always remember every single tear I shed for you. Each one is a drop of blood from my heart.

Mamita i want you to be feel happy to know that there is someone who has deep feelings about you. I’m not the one who is writing this letter for you, if you want to know – It’s my heart. broken in pieces suffering doctors can not do anything to heal me. There is one who can put back every single piece in place.

you live in my heart

When did forever get so short?

The day dragged on the same as every other day prior with your face imbued in my mind like a mascot of defeat and despair, the image of what I once believed would bring eternal happiness now stuck hanging in the halls of my memory collecting dust where it once hung a banner of inspiration and joy, a trophy to all men. When the sun ceases to shine, when the moon fails to glimmer, when life takes on a perpetual sheen of gray the only pass time becomes an introverted assessment of our memories, the constant unanswerable question of where did it all go wrong? When did forever get so short? At what point did love become not enough?

But being brought up with the concept that love will always reign supreme given time you learn to push these incessant thoughts to the back of your mind to lay in wait till the time of your next inevitable breakdown. So I sat and desperately clung to all the passionate kisses, the romantic love letters, the daring adventures, the love making, the future plans, as if they were life itself. Just when misery became the closest thing to happiness that I could hope to achieve I received a text from the only person capable of curing my plight it should have revived me and brought me back to the living but instead it pushed me below rock bottom, the text informed me of a change in the dynamics of the situation, she was happily in a relationship with some guy. A million images raced through my mind, her holding his hand the way she held mine, her kissing his cheek the way she kissed mine, her loving him the way she loved me. The world had stopped spinning I was stuck in purgatory my chest got tight, my hands started shaking, my vision went blurry, I was swamped with an overwhelming sense of nausea I reached for the only thing that had sustained me this far, to my horror the bottle was empty chucking the bottle at the wall I scrambled for the carton of cigarettes, empty. I’m not sure how I made it through that night if truth be told I don’t remember anything after that point just the comforting warmth of nothing.

The next two months I wasn’t alive I was in some form of a coma, yes I was there I would hear you and I would answer, but I wasn’t there not a hint of emotion, not sadness, not happiness, just nothing. Word reached me that she had broken up with her now former flame, the relief was instant. It was as if someone had stabbed me in the chest with an adrenaline needle, I allowed myself the privilege of hope. We began to talk again, at first I was reserved till I came to the conclusion that I had to be the old me, the one she had fallen in love, with not the deteriorating carcass of that man. Like all great actors I had to convince myself of the part I had to be the part so I resumed my social life I think I even found myself again at least for a time. We talked about the old times and how we still loved each other and how we were meant to be. From there it evolved into me bringing her flowers sleep overs the stupid laughs the endless kisses, til the next devastating blow to my heart was dealt, she had a new boyfriend. My shock was palpable to all around my mutilated heart visible to all to see. Still I was ensured that we would eventually be together, then it dawned on me we were over our era had ended the fairy tale had come to a tragic closing it was never again going to happen, I was merely the half time show, the fluffer in between scenes, and thats when I decided once was enough for one lifetime.

GHOST

I still see you, you know.

In my dreams, you’re staring at me with those seemingly empty crystal blue eyes and telling me, “no more”.

When I open my eyes,
I adjust my body as if you were still there,
reaching across the mattress to lay my arm gently over my pillow and pull it between my legs.
My body aches to be intertwined with yours.
Especially in the morning sunlight.

I see you on my way to work.
Laughing, or arguing, but most likely in groggy silence,
in the December air, while driving to Cambridge.
With the window down, I can still smell your cigarette smoke.

In the evenings, I see you at my front door.
Rosy cheeks and shivering, a meek smile, your shiny gold back pack.
A light kiss and lingering hug.
I want it to linger longer.

At the kitchen sink, soapy water bubbles over brims of bowls
As I feel your skinny fingers reach for me and fumble around my waist
You rest your warm cheek against my neck
I am holding you up.
And I shiver with the pressure.

I climb the stairs to my bedroom, your ghost does not follow.
The air is heavy, it weighs down hard on my chest.
Frantically, I push the tears back from eyes.
You hate it when I cry.

In bed, thoughts of you with your head between her legs seduce me like the devil clawing his way through my brain.
All consuming pain rushes through me.
Creeping from my chest, to the pit of my stomach, to the tips of my toes.

“Sleep,” you say.
“Goodnight,” I whisper to myself in the dark, hoping you hear me.

You are dead to me.

But I still see you.

Past

A year ago I met you. A month later we had our first date, 6 months later you left. I never told you this because the past is the past, however I have been with so many men in my life that it all adds up. When everyone else was in long lasting relationships I was just shacking up. So when I met you, I knew our time together was special from the first night. I knew we clicked. You just got me. I knew I would have a really hard time letting you go, you didn’t make it easy. I wish I could hate you and move on, my girlfriends aren’t to fond of you- however they are desperate and when the relationship doesn’t amount to a “bf/gf” status within a month they are ready to kick their men to the curb. Though prior to the non status change they were oh so in “love”. I was oh so in love, for the right reasons, I think. If you take into account that you learn something from each relationship you encounter then I have to say I have learned a lot about love, men, dating, sex etc.

And you were different, We were different and this is why I can’t move on. I write you notes all the time, obviously they always go unsent- because why bother, it won’t bring you back and may even scare you. So the email you sent me the other day, made me realize that you, us we were different then anything I had ever experienced before. You are not my bf, and you told me yourself probably wouldn’t be for at least 5 years, because that’s when you thought you would be the right age to be someone’s bf. I don’t think it was an excuse, you were logical and it made sense. Our age difference is so crucial in how this all plays out, I’m not going to tell you this, but I want babies, I am in the right place in my life- however I would never want to rob you of your 20’s, I think those are important times for a young stud such as yourself.

I never felt as free as I feel with you. Even though we shoot a couple of monthly emails and have not seen each other in 6 months, somewhere inside my mind I have hope. I know that my heart is safe with you, maybe it’s because you haven’t found anyone else to love, IDK nor do I want to know. I feel safe with you. I told you I missed you yesterday, and you told me you missed me too. That made me feel safe. It’s just a feeling I get when you are on the other end of the computer, or all the times we shared. Being with you I let it all go, told you my hopes, dreams, wants, wishes and fears. I think you shared yours with me (even though yours will change over time). You wanted to help me get over my biggest fear just to prove to me that being fearful is pointless, and that if my fear happens no big deal you would be right there to help me. I like your honesty, or at least I hope you are honest- my gut tells me you are. My intuition tells me, to trust my gut so I am.

I could probably be away from you forever and never fill the void, I hope it’s not the case. I’m just not sure how we would really ever make this work. You hate NY- NY is my life. I want to be your friend forever but I know there’s going to come a point when it will hurt too much and I will have to say goodbye forever……

Under a Lock

Dear Beau,

We got lost somewhere along the way. You said “something happened to what we used to be” and yesterday I figured it out. You lost yourself. My shrink once told me “people change but their essence remains the same.” You were still that gorgeous guy that played guitar late at night, watched series with his dad and liked wine. What I’m trying to say is, you changed, you stopped trying to make us work.

And it’s okay. We’re young and I shouldn’t have expected so much out of you. You weren’t ready to be my person. You weren’t ready to tell your friends about me, travel together, introduce me to your family or talk about our future. It was a dead end relationship from the very start. But it was beautiful. So goddamn beautiful and fuck anyone who says otherwise.

We were two people in love. God, I still love you. I think a part of me always will. Right now, I am setting you free. I don’t hate you or resent you for not putting in as much as I did. I understand you weren’t ready.

I wish you the best. If you got back together with your ex, good for you, she’ll give you whatever I couldn’t.

Goodbye, this will be the last letter I write you. It will go in the box where I kept all of your unsent love letters. It will be hidden in my closet, far away from view, under a lock, with a thousand other memories I’m not strong enough to dust off.

Always,

G.